Abusiveness Creates More Abusiveness

My 2.5-year-old grandson Sebastian and I have just arrived at the small neighborhood part down the street. He notices 5 children playing together (probably ages 2 to 7), and he excitedly runs over and greets them, “Hi Kids!”

They look over at him and sarcastically ask, “What’s your name?”

Sebastian proudly points to himself and enthusiastically replies, “I’m Sebastian!”

They erupt into taunting him, with the oldest child a girl, leading the pack, dancing around Bas, repeating his name in a demeaning, teasing way.

Sweet Sebastian has no idea what is going on. He has no way to understand what is really happening and smiles happily, thinking they are playing with him.

This is an interesting moment for me, his grandmother part mother bear. How am I going to respond to this blatantly negative energy being directed to my precious grandson.

I choose to stand back and observe, waiting to see what is going to happen, allowing Sebastian to deal with this situation on his own as long as he is in no physical danger and is not being hurt emotionally by their abusiveness.

I DO HAVE HIS BACK.

I hover nearby, something I seldom do, alert to any moment I might need to step in. I can allow these young people their anger and negativity as long as it is not hurting Sebastian.

At one point, two of the biggest children walk right over him and knock him down going up the steps of the climbing structure. I immediately intervene and powerfully and clearly remind them that he is much smaller than they are and I need them to watch out for him.

I receive angry glares in return.

Sebastian continues to happily play with these children, seeming to have no awareness of their anger toward him. I wonder if he’ll turn the situation around with his positiveness.

From time to time, I hear the children’s moms yelling angrily at their children. As I listen, I realize painfully the source of these children’s anger and abusiveness.

I look at these two women and see so much emotional hurt on their faces. The way they talk with their children is an expression of their own anger and hurt. Likely, this is the way they were talked to by their parents.

Many minutes later Sebastian still has a smile on his face as he happily thinks the ‘kids’ are playing with him. He’s becoming ungrounded and the likelihood of his falling increases. I step in for the second time to let these young people know that all Sebastian wants is to play with them, have fun and be their friend.

One of the older boys disgustingly replies, “We don’t want to be his friend.

After what seems like an eternity, the moms pack up their children, and Sebastian and I are alone in the park. He keeps talking happily about “the kids.”

When he asks to swing and I push him, he starts kicking powerfully at my arms saying, “I kick you!’

I ask him to be gentle with me and he continues. I can feel a hard, ungrounded energy coming from him.

When he continues to kick, I calmly step aside where he cannot kick me and I stop pushing him.

He demands, “Push me!’

“I will when you are gentle with me.”

“Okay.’

And the moment passes. My responsive grandson returns, and we continue to play together.

This experience was poignant for me…feeling the hurt and anger in the other children, Sebastian’s loving innocence and my desire to protect him and allow him his autonomy, the critical, angry voices of the moms and the hardness on their faces, how he unknowingly internalizes their anger and turns it toward me, compassion for all of them even as I resent their treatment of my grandson.

Emotional hurt can continue long after it is experienced. Yet none of us are victims. We must take responsibility for our own emotional hurts and for our own actions so the cycle of abuse and hurt can diminish and disappear in our family.