The Price of Conformity

In 1965 Stanley Milgram, a social psychologist, performed a startling experiment about conformity, testing people’s ability to stand up for what they believe. He wanted to know how far people will go to do what they are told by an authority figure. Perhaps you have heard of it. I always find it fascinating, alarming, and insightful.

Milgram set up a simulated electric shock generator marked with voltage levels from 15 to 450 volts. Beside the numbers were signs indicating the strength of the electrical shock-from "Slight Shock" to "Danger: Severe Shock."

Each participant (all adult men) was asked to help the experimenter with a learning experiment. The helper’s job was to administer an electric shock to a (pretend) learner whenever the learner made a mistake. The experimenter instructed the helper to increase the intensity of the shock whenever the learner made a mistake.

In the initial studies, the helper could not hear the learner. According to Milgram, virtually all helpers "once commanded, went blithly to the end," and administered shocks at the highest level to the supposed learner. Then, Milgram altered the experiment. Now the learner cried out in pain from behind a wall-his pretended pain increasing with the increased strength of the voltage.

Even with the change, 65% of the helpers continued to follow the experimenter’s instructions and administered the highest voltage shock. One helper protested saying, "He can’t stand it! I’m not going to kill that man in there! You hear him hollering?…He can’t stand it. What if something happens to him?" Yet, when told to administer a higher shock, he complied.

After studying nearly 1000 adults, Milgram concluded "with numbing regularity, good people were seen to knuckle under to the demands of authority," and were willing to inflict severe pain to a fellow human being when told to do so.

We as parents and educators need to be aware of the pressure we place on children to conform, to compromise their own inner truth and guidance and to do as we say. Children pay a high price when we expect and demand compliance from them. Perhaps you can look back in your own childhood and identify ways in which this also limited you.

Children who learn to do what they are told when they are young have a difficult time breaking out of this pattern as adults. They may find themselves always trying to please and do what they "should" do, rather than trusting and following their own inner guidance. The cost to your child and to society is the loss of your child’s courage, independence, confidence, autonomy, and creative thinking out-of-the-box.

Consider your choices and actions carefully the next time you demand your child do what you say. See if you can find another way that includes your child’s perspective and desires.