What Can We Learn?–No. 1

This story is from the recent issue of our local paper the Mountain View Voice.

Headline: Mr. White boy was in the Nortenos: Stabbing suspect’s fate a shock to local mom who knew him as a boy

"Except for a few bumps in the road, Jacob DeWitt, 19, had a normal upbringing. When he was a boy, his dad coached the local Little League team and his mom baked cookies for parties at the elementary school."

The article goes on to mention some of the bumps along the road…divorced parents who were struggling, but worked hard. In middle school his mother suffered a stroke, leaving her temporarily paralyzed. The neighbor mother who knew him as a boy puts much of the blame on the middle school itself where "too many kids, missing something at home, have been introduced to gangs."

She continued, "Parents have to be overly protective these days. You give them an inch and they take a mile. Especially a boy who is determined to do what he wants to do."

What can we observe and learn here?

1-Normal upbringing does not mean an emotionally healthy upbringing. Especially when defined as coaching Little League and baking cookies and hard working parents. These are wonderful things in a child’s life, but only when there is an emotionally healthy foundation in the family, where there is an honest, trusting emotional connection between parents and son. Obviously his parents were doing the best they could, and yet coaching softball and baking cookies cannot replace a strong emotional connection.

2-This young man’s bumps in the road were struggling, divorcing parents and his mother suffering temporary paralysis from a stroke. When parents are struggling emotionally, a child struggles emotionally. This is why it is so important for parents to nurture their own emotional wholeness and  their son’s.  Children need as solid an emotional foundation and connection with their parents as possible. This is what allows them to feel safe and loved.

A child who seeks connection and companionship in a gang is not getting this at home. He also doesn’t have an experience of authentic, unconditional love. He is lost and struggling emotionally.

"a boy who is determined to do what he wants to do"–This is not in and of itself a bad thing. It can be a strength and asset to be determined to do what you want to do. This is what makes for great people and great leaders. The problem with this are the adults in his life. It is our role to respond to this strong drive in a child in a way that empowers him to express his desire positively, rather than in destructive ways.

Any person who stabs another person multiple times is deeply hurting emotionally. It is so easy to say the problem lies with the child, to say he was a bad kid. I suggest the problem lies with the adults in his life, his lack of a safe, loving connection with them and limiting response to his desire to be capable and strong and to have what he wanted in life.

This story reminds us all to look beyond the surface in our own life and in the lives of our children. Looking on the surface is not enough. Children need emotional wholeness to flourish and thrive.

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