Are You Training or Empowering your Child?

Recently a mom said to me, "I realize I’ve trained my daughter to
be afraid of me. Now I want to train her to trust me." Have you
ever wished you could change how your child perceives and reacts to
you? It can be painful to see the results of your actions and words
mirrored back to you in your child.

Since getting my horse Destiny, I’ve often thought about the
difference between training a horse and empowering a child. There
are similarities between these two because you’re relating with
another sentient being who perceives and remembers.

Children and horses remember how you treat them, and many of their
actions are a result of your actions toward them. When you are
gentle and patient, they respond more calmly and willingly. When
you neglect their emotional needs and act in ways that are
uncomfortable to them, they don’t trust you and feel cautious with
you, even when they do what you say.

Training is used to manage behavior in people and horses. Training
uses techniques, such as force, repetition, positive and negative
reinforcement, to elicit the desired behavior. Training is when you
have an agenda for the other, and you want them to do what you want.

Training is not something you can do with your child’s emotions.
Emotions are their own separate entity, separate from your child’s
thought-process. Emotions and perceptions of safety and
connectedness come from the inside out. The individual draws
conclusions and develops interpretations of reality based on their
unique perception of their life experience, not based on the
techniques you use.

Children, even when they are infants, perceive and make decisions
based on their own observations and experiences. You may believe or
hope that you can control their thoughts and feelings, but you
cannot.

You cannot train your child to trust you, to like you, or to feel
close and connected to you. You cannot train your child to be happy
and loving.

You may think you child needs your guidance to teach him how to be
a compassionate, successful person; but what I’ve seen is that
children are independent, autonomous, loving people who are
constantly figuring life out for themselves, regardless of what you
do or say.

Training creates obedience. Empowering your child nurtures his
ability to problem-solve, be creative and self-reliant. Empowering
your child helps her feel confident, loved, and joyous.

So what’s a parent or educator to do if your child feels insecure
or afraid of you? Focus on nurturing your child’s emotional
wholeness. Make your emotional connection together your highest
priority. Make choices from your deep love for your child. Then
you’ll feel the love and trust between you grow, and those old
behavior challenges disappear.