What to Do When Moms and Dads Disagree about their Child’s Tantrums

Johnny is on the floor screaming and crying. Your teen just stormed to her room after yelling at you. Tommy put his head on the table and refuses to talk to you.

Your child’s tantrums and emotional upsets are never fun. But they become even more complicated and challenging when you and your partner don’t see eye-to-eye on how to respond to these already difficult moments.

Usually moms and dads fall on opposite ends of the spectrum. One believes in firm rules, structure and discipline. The other is more flexible and interested in making sure their child is happy.

Because tantrums are such emotionally-charged situations, it’s easy for you and your partner to get your own emotions triggered. You lose your cool and become frustrated or angry about the way your partner just handled your child’s emotional upset.

You may believe your partner is too harsh and critical. Your partner believes your child needs more structure and that you’re letting your child walk all over you and perhaps even encourages the tantrums.

It’s important to your child and to your family’s emotional well-being that you and your partner work together, that you are equal, loving partners with one another.

Here are some quick tips to help you work things out –

1. Remember neither of you nor your partner is wrong. When it comes to parenting, the important question is not right or wrong. The important question is how can we make this work. [Read more…]

How is Technology Affecting Your Child?

Parents often share with me their concern about their child’s frequent use of technology, their seeming ‘addiction’ to all things virtual – texting, video games, instant messaging, cell phones, game boys in addition to TV and movies.

Recently I came across an article about children and technology by child psychologist and author David Elkind of Tufts University. I’ve always had great respect, affinity and admiration for his ideas and teachings.

In his article, Elkind reflects on the many changes a child experiences because of our technological society…the focus on speed in making things happen, general cultural changes of feeling busier and more rushed to get things done.

Cell phones and IM that feed into the divide between children and their parents because they have easy and immediate access to friends 24 / 7.

Before the digital culture, there was a language and lore of childhood – games, songs, rhymes, stories passed down verbally from generation to generation. Remember “The Itsy, Bitsy Spider?” Now young people have access to information from all over the world with little need or time for such ‘silly games.’

One of the things that most concerns me is the loss of 8 – 12 hours per week of unstructured play and outdoor pastimes. Elkind reminds us “spontaneous play allows children to use their imagination, make and break rules, socialize with each other…nurtures their autonomy and originality.”

These are hugely essential developmental experiences and skills that naturally develop problem-solving skills, social skills, self-expression, deep connection to one’s self, and creativity. If we limit these in our children, we “dumb them down” as author-educator John Taylor Gatto would say, and advance a mindless lack of awareness of self, others, and the realities of life. [Read more…]

Are You Telling Your Child Too Much?

A mompreneur client of mine once shared with me this story about her 7-year-old daughter. She had just finished telling her daughter some info that she thought was important. She was trying to ‘teach’ her child an important idea to help her in life.

After she was finished, her daughter calmly looked at her and explained, “Mom, when you talk to me, all I hear is ‘blah……blah..blah…..blah..blah.”

You might think, “Wow! What a disrespectful daughter…telling her mother something like this AND not even listening!”

Her mom and I heard something different in her daughter’s communication. She told her mom her experience when her mom started ‘teaching’ her and gave her mom valuable feedback about her communication with her daughter, something every mother can use.

Shortly after this, her mom and dad signed up for my Joyous Parenting Training because they realized they needed to learn how to talk so their daughter would listen. In fact, this feedback from her daughter helped my client understand how much her words were ‘missing’ her daughter, which was the opposite of what she wanted.

Many parents believe that telling their child what he should and shouldn’t do will convince their child to do what they say. They believe their words will change their child’s behavior.

Sometimes this is true; but in reality, words seldom affect or change a child’s behavior as her parents hope it will. Often what the child hears is, “blah……blah..blah…..blah..blah.” [Read more…]

A Grandmother’s Delight #1

My grandson Sebastian is now 2 years 9 months old, and I want to share a fun story with you.

One of his great loves is ‘driving’ one of our pick-up trucks. As you can tell from the photo, his scrunched up face indicates the passion and sound effects he puts into it.

One of the things I love about Sebastian and pickup trucks is that for now he calls them ‘hiccup trucks.’ I want him to say it forever since it’s so amazingly cute.

A few weeks ago we’re hiking in Mendocino in the middle of the woods, I think I hear him make a real hiccup sound, and I ask him, “Did I hear a hiccup?”

He instantly stops, looks around carefully, and says, “I don’t see one.”

Cute with a capital C!!

I’ve had to capture his saying this amazing word because I know it won’t last long and he’ll soon be calling them by their proper name – pickup trucks –  so I recorded him saying it.

I’d drive around with him, looking for pickup trucks and trying to get him to say it on my recorder. I was minimally successful. When I didn’t have the recorder, he repeated the magic word numerous times. Recording – I had to work hard to drag it out of him.

Here is a 30-second recording in which he says both ‘hiccup truck’ and his way of saying ‘walkie-talkie.’ Click the link to listen. Enjoy!

Sebastian’s Cutest Words 6-2010

I’d love to hear your stories about about your child’s cutest words! Please share them with me.

Amazing Manners for a Child so Young

I’ve been blown away by these two phenomenal actions I’ve observed in my 2.5 year old grandson Sebastian. Both demonstrate the ease and fun of my Joyous Parenting™ approach to guiding young people to be their best.

As you read these, remember he is learning to talk and is beginning to put sentences together.

The first story occurs in a busy, noisy restaurant at a large family gathering so there is lots of activity. I sit next to Sebastian who is busily exploring all the new treats he just received.

Everyone has ordered and gradually our orders come out.

When Sebastian’s food is placed in front of him, without a reminder of any kind, Sebastian spontaneously says, “Thank you!”

There is a murmur of approval from the family members who observed this amazing awareness and behavior in a child so young.

I turn to Orion, my son who sits on the other side of me, and he smiles and says, “People think we tell him to say that, but he does it on his own.”

Here is the second story… [Read more…]