The Price of Violence to our Children

Paul Butler in his book Let’s Get Free: A Hip-Hop Theory of Justice reports the U.S. has 5% of the world’s population and 25% of its prisoners. He adds that a prison opens in the U.S. every week.

He argues the U.S. has gone too far in its “lock ‘em up culture” and that “The freedom we save will be our own.”

Add to this that every state allows juveniles to be tried as adults and more than 20 states allow pre-adolescent children as young as 7 to be tried in adult courts.

These statistics are shocking and deeply troublesome. When children are treated harshly when they are young, whether it is by the justice system, our educational system or their parents, they are more likely to struggle for happiness and success in life and to become increasingly angry, isolated or violent in adulthood.

When children are born, they are extremely sensitive to the emotions of the people around them and to the way they are treated emotionally. They feel our unconscious feelings even when we do not. They are so easily influenced by the adults in their life.

As adults, most of us forget how sensitive we were as children and have unknowingly put up emotional walls between ourselves and those around us to keep us safe emotionally. We’ve learned to put up walls to keep us from feeling those painful, uncomfortable feelings that come with harsh treatment and lack of understanding about our emotional needs.

Every day as parents, educators, and a society, we make choices that either allow our children to feel safe emotionally or we make reactive choices in our words and actions that affect their Emotional Wholeness and well-being for the rest of their life.

This is one of the most important ideas for all of us to deeply understand. What happens in a child’s life emotionally colors and affects the rest of his life. There is simply so way around this.

Healing can happen when difficult environments are changed or children are put in new situations that support their healing. Nonetheless, the more severe the emotional hurting, the more long-lasting the pain and the greater impact in their life.

Children are a high priority to almost everyone in the U.S. and around the world. We care deeply about children. Yet emotional pain is often caused by unconscious behaviors by adults who don’t fully understand the impact of their words and actions in a child’s emotional experience.

When adults react from fear and anger, whether it’s in a child’s home, school, or in our country’s justice system, both children and adults pay a high price. It is essential that we become more conscious and committed to nurturing our children’s Emotional Wholeness if we are to see them be as happy and successful as we all desire.

When children are nurtured emotionally, our world becomes a more harmonious, joyous place for everyone.

What will you do today to emotionally nurture the children in your life?

How Fulfilling and Easy is Being a Parent for You?

Last week I sent three quick questions to my mailing list:

1. What describes you best? (It's okay to select two if they are both true)
_____    Stay-at-home mom
_____    Working mom
_____     Professional mom
_____     Entrepreneurial mom
_____    Stay-at-home dad
_____    Working dad
_____    Professional dad
_____    Entrepreneurial dad

2. On a scale of 1 to 10 (with one being low and 10 being high), how easy and fulfilling is your over-all experience of being a parent? (Feel free to tell me why you picked the number you did)

3.  What are your two greatest challenges, concerns or questions keeping you from being the parent you most deeply long to be or that keep you from empowering your child to express his/her most positive, capable, joyous self? In other words, what keeps you awake at night as a parent?

I’ve been delighted and touch by the amazing number of responses and parents’ heart-felt honesty as they’ve shared their profound love for their kids and their desire to be the best parent they can be to their amazing children. Here are some of the comments I’ve received so far:

The Joys…
The over-riding message is how profoundly parents LOVE their children. This comes from a place in their heart that is so deep and so special.

“A definite 10 for fulfilling and an 7-8 for being easy.  A 10 because I can't imagine NOT having my children.  I live for my family and sacrifice so much for them.”

” I love my kids, enjoy them and think we have a respectful and loving relationship with them and am very proud of them.”

And whether they rate themselves a 1 or an 11 at fulfilling their soul’s calling, there are common themes in the challenges they share:

The Challenges…
Here are some of the common themes.

“harder than thought .My child doesn't listen and her friendships at school are hard to encourage her to play with nice kids as they are cliquey.”

“Wondering where things went wrong with my older daughter that has kept her at such a distance for the past 10 yrs (since she went to college) and wondering if there is anything I can do but wait and hope she comes back.”

“I worry about the school she's going to next month. Her old school had no homework, no testing, and minimal grading (mostly narrative). I don't know how to motivate her to value school either, esp. since I question my own having valued school perhaps way too much. (I was a nerd.) She'd really prefer to homeschool.”

“I'm just like my Mom.  I fight it every day.”

I worry so much about losing them…to any of the dangers in the world; drivers who aren't looking, kidnappers, sexual predators, guns, their own bad choices. I don't know if this keeps me from being a better parent, as I generally don't let my worry get in the way of their lives (I still give them freedom to explore as their friends do). My greatest challenge as a parent though, is having patience.”

“Stress of being with kids all day and lack of patience keep me from being the mom I would like to be.”
“I hope I can give her all the tools to be whoever she wants to be.”

“I was a stay at home mom and had to return to work. I feel guilty all the time and feel like I'm missing my son's life.”

“I'm not patient enough. I don't spend enough one-on-one time with them, or I don't listen enough”

“Managing emotions/reactions. Working to support a daughter with special needs (age 9) and wondering about her future”

It’s a Mixed Experience…
Some parents shared they experience a difference between fulfillment as a parent and how easy it is to be a parent. For these parents, fulfillment was higher than how easy it is.

“My kids are a joy to me and I love having them in my life.  However, some part of me will worry about them for the rest of my life – are they happy, safe, fulfilled?  Will they make the same mistakes as I made?  All things that I cannot control (which is another email altogether) and I know that, but still …”

“I’m learning to balance, adjust and modify as I see that things need to change. Yet I wouldn’t trade my experience for anything in the world.”

“Very mixed…..I have 2 daughters (22 and 28 yrs).  They are very different in their relationships with me.  the older one is extremely distant while the younger one is hot/cold.  When they were young (to middle school age) they were both extremely loving, affectionate, close and a pure joy.  The problem I experienced with motherhood was that I felt isolated and didn't take good enough care of myself.  I did, however, find parenthood itself really fulfilling (I had had a teaching career full time until my first child was born when I was 35). I would ever say it was easy. I enjoyed being a mom so much, yet found it problematic in some ways.

How about you? I'd love to hear your experiences! I'll continue to post the answers I receive through next week.

Just send an email to connie@joywithchildren.com or post a comment below.

Modern Potty Talk: What Happened to Intrinsic Motivation?

My rant for today…

I’m looking for a potty chair for my grandson Sebastian who is almost 2. I find the section in the store and am surprised by what I find—brightly colored pink or blue plastic potty chairs with names like Cheer for Me Potty, Royal Princess Stepstool Potty, and Royal Step Potty.

The part that bothers me the most are the talking, interactive ones: Toddlers are rewarded with 5 phrases and 2 sing-along training songs for "contributions."

Everywhere I turn in our modern society I see techniques designed to get children to do what adults what they want them to do. These manipulative techniques include special treats, money, and praise. All are based on external rewards.

One of the quickest way to guide a child away from his / her natural knowing and desire to do well in life (intrinsic motivation) is to use external rewards. Then the child looks outside himself for guidance of right and wrong, what works and doesn’t work as he tries to earn the external reward.

Do you ever look to others for their approval and advice instead of listening to yourself? Pretty much all of us do. This is because we learned this behavior when we were young children.

So many adults wonder who they are and seek out therapists and coaches in order to be able to listen to themselves and to trust themselves. This is not a comfortable or empowered place to be.

Children naturally want to do well in life, to do what big people do. When children struggle with something natural like potty training, it is a problem in the communication and relationship between the parent and the child. It is frankly a parenting problem, not a child problem.

So let’s trust our children a little more to do the right thing, to figure out the right thing, and do away with all our reinforcing techniques that make them pay attention to us than to themselves. We belittle them when we treat them this way.

Children are amazing, brilliant people who are skilled at figuring out life without all the external distractions from adults. Let’s consciously make choices to keep them that way. No more talking potties!

New Free Parenting Resources

Last week I spent three wonderful days with Kendall Summerhawk, learning new ways to create programs to guide you to be the mother you most want to be while still enjoying your professional life. It was fun and inspiring. Kendall has horses also so we had many things to share with one another. CandK

After my time with her, I feel inspired with new ideas and possibilities of fun products and coaching I can share with you. This means you can look forward to new programs and opportunities for you to learn more about Joyous Parenting™, a transformational, effective approach to parenting based on nurturing your child’s and your own Emotional Wholeness.

Are You Ready to Have Parenting Be Easier?

If you’re ready to have parenting be easier and to feel more confident and relaxed, I have two new free resources to help you:

1.)  Parent Success Kit, which includes a free audio interview How to Avoid the 5 Biggest Mistakes Parents Unconsciously Make and eCourse How to Prepare Your Child for Success in School and in Life.

This is for every parent—current subscribers as well as if you’re new to Joyous Parenting™. Tell your friends and family about this useful new resource!

2.) Read the metaphorical story The Secret of Joyous Parenting™. This gives you a clear understanding of why Joyous Parenting™ works so powerfully and easily.

I’d Appreciate Your Help…

I’d love to know more about your needs, challenges, and questions as a parent so I can better support you. This Thursday, you’ll receive an email from me with 3 very short, quick questions that I’d love for you to answer to tell me more about your life and your relationship with your child. Thanks in advance for taking a few moments of your precious time to help me with this.

Are You Ready to Go Beyond Wishing and Hoping Things Will Get Better?

I’ve had so many people admire my relationship with my son Orion and wish they shared the honesty, closeness, and trust with their own child or parents. Others praise the close relationship I have with my daughter-in-law Nichola. They wish they could be so lucky and fortunate.

I’ve found that close relationships with your adult children and grandchildren is not a matter of luck or good fortune. These close, delightful relationships begin with the emotional foundation you create when your child is born (I would even say before your child is born) and continue throughout your life together.

If you desire, you can create a closer, more joyous, harmonious life-long relationship with your child, even if your child is older.

Celebrating my Three Special Guys

Fathers' Day Weekend was also Doug's and my wedding anniversary. Six years! Those of you who have been reading this ezine will remember my photos of that magical day. I posted some photos on my blog (see below) for you more recent subscribers.

Here is a photo of Saturday morning when we celebrated 'the guys' who are so precious in my life. I love these three so much, beyond what words can express. They are the best! I love seeing them enjoy each other.

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After breakfast, Doug and I headed up to the Sierras where we saw some beautiful spring wildflowers. We found a beautiful, peaceful spot to camp, hiked, and enjoyed our camp fire every night. I camp home feeling refreshed and relaxed.

We are having such a wonderful response to our next Joyous Parenting Training!

I'm thrilled for the bold, committed moms and dads who signed up for my training that begins later this month. They are all so excited about the training and the powerful new insights, discoveries, and parenting skills they will develop as a result.

It's not too late for you to be a part of this Joyous Parenting Training. This is where I reveal what it really takes-step-by-step–to create a fun, trusting, and joyous relationship with your child. With this training, you'll feel more confident and clear, and your child will flourish by being more cooperative, self-reliant, and happy.

It all begins in two weeks on July 21, 2009. We only have 3 spaces left so you'll need to act quickly to have these amazing results for yourself and your family.

Plus I'm including three valuable bonuses to sweeten the deal when you sign-up now. To reserve your space in this one-of-a-kind training, go here.

Want to Know What It Takes to Create Quality Time with Your Child?

We live in busy times. Moms and Dads find themselves rushing around, trying to complete the tasks on their daily To Do Lists and trying to eek out a little time for themselves each week while taking care of their child. Their daily pace can feel hectic and overwhelming.

Does this sound familiar?

Most parents struggle just to complete the daily tasks, not to mention spend Quality Time with their child. Yet everyone knows that Quality Time (QT) is essential for your child's emotional well-being and development.
I've discovered is there are powerful secrets you can use to guarantee you and your child share QT.

With summer here, it's important to enjoy this time fully and nourish your emotional connection with your child. Read my article below to discover what you can do now!