A Child’s Drive for Self-Expression-Vitus

March 17, 2009 By Leave a Comment

11-year-old Vitus, in the
coming-of-age movie of the same name, is a child prodigy who listens to his own
inner drummer. Played by Teo Gheorghiu, Vitus,
an amazing talented classical pianist, yearns for a life that he loves. A life
that brings him joy and fulfillment.

Along the way, he encounters obstacles
and resistance from both his parents and his teachers. He struggles to have his
life the way he wants. His biggest ally is his grandfather, who loves and
accepts Vitus on his own terms.

I loved this movie, and I think you
will, too. It explores what our children most need from us and how we can get
ourselves out of their way.

Filed Under: Children, Grandparenting, Parenting

Keep Your Child Safe

March 16, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Recent headline news in Mountain View,
my home town, is about a soccer coach who allegedly sexually assaulted three of
his young nieces when they were 7 – 9 years old. The incidents allegedly
occurred at family events or when their uncle was babysitting them.

Every parent who reads stories like
this shudders and frequently runs to tell their child not to talk to strangers,
hoping this will keep their child safe. But this is largely ineffective and
disempowering of children.

Talking to strangers and meeting new
people is a valuable life skill for children and helps them develop
communication skills that will assist them throughout their life. Plus being
comfortable meeting and interacting with new people is the basis of networking
and expanding your base of influence as an adult. How many adults do you know
who struggle to find something to say to someone they just met?

It’s also important to remember that
most child sexual violations, like the one above, are by someone the child
knows, a member of the family or a family friend. Telling your child not to
talk with strangers makes absolutely no difference in these situations. The
danger is rarely from strangers.

Keeping your child isolated or
over-protected is not the answer either. You cannot maintain either the
isolation or protection for the entire time your child lives at home. Isolation
and over-protection limit your child. In order to develop to her true
potential, she must be out in the world without your supervision, making
decisions for herself.

So what makes the biggest difference
in your child’s safety? The most important answer lies within your child. Your
child must be able to think for himself, to know what feels good to him and
what feels bad to him, and then have the inner strength to take action to take
care of himself.

In most situations of child abuse, if
the child had trusted and listened to himself, he could have prevented his own
victimization. When I look at my 18-month-old grandson Sebastian, he clearly
and strongly knows what he wants and will powerfully take action to have things
the way he wants. Every child is born with this information and inner-drive.

What happens to this natural drive?

We train them out of it. We teach them
to be compliant and to do what adults tell them. This makes them easy targets
to people who would harm them.

Filed Under: Children, Current Affairs, Grandparenting, Parenting

Explore When To Say Yes To Your Child

March 4, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Every parent
struggles with setting boundaries with their child. It's often unclear
where to draw the line and set your boundary. You don't want to break
your child's spirit, but some things just have to be done whether your
child likes it or not.

You wonder if
you are being too inflexible and controlling or are you spoiling your
child by letting her walk all over you? Plus there are the seemingly
inevitable power struggles where you each attempt to gain the upper
hand, which makes parenting a battle of wills. You want to be close and
connected to your child, not a full-time disciplinarian.

Conflict and
effort is not why most people decide to become parents. You became a
parent to have the joy of loving your child and sharing fun moments
with him. You looked forward to days of enjoyment and play together.

During this
last weekend, I read a Tweet from a mom that read, "deciding if i am a
fantastically creative or fantastically stupid mom to let kids play
with huge box of Christmas wrappings."  

I'm sure you've
found yourself in a similar situation, trying once again to decide
where to set your boundary with your child. She discovers something new
and fascinating that she wants to explore right now.  You're not so
sure it's a good idea. He could make a mess. She might get hurt. You
know it looks like fun, and you don't have time for this.

How can you decide whether to say "Yes." Here are some guidelines to help you sort it out.

  •  Remember the only person who can make this choice is you.
    There is no right or wrong answer. Your child needs for you to say
    "yes" to her in as many ways as you can. And she needs for you to be
    clear with yourself and with her when you need to set a boundary. Your
    child needs the freedom to be himself, and he needs boundaries to feel
    grounded, connected and safe. You have to listen to yourself for the
    answer.  A book or even a close friend cannot answer it for you.
  • Take a chance. This mom wonders if she's fantastically
    creative or fantastically stupid. One way to discover the answer to
    this question is to give it try. Explore ways of saying "yes" that work
    for your child and for you. Try something new and see how your child
    responds. How does it feel to you? When you explore new possibilities,
    you gain more clarity for the future. If you don't explore and take
    risks, you'll never know what the outcome might be.

  • Allow time for change to occur. Your child's nor your behavior will seldom dramatically alter over night. 
  • Explore those times when you feel the need to control your child's behavior. What's
    really happening? Are you on auto-pilot or are you objectively
    considering the situation? How can you stretch your ability to try
    something new?
  • Take good care of yourself. When you expend your energy
    to manage your child's or your students' behavior, you have little left
    for yourself. When you nurture your own emotional wholeness, you
    empower yourself to more honestly and lovingly nurture your child.

Filed Under: Children, Grandparenting, Parenting

How to Teach Gullibility to Children

January 23, 2009 By Leave a Comment

No one wants their child to be gullible. Yet parents and teachers unconsciously do things that encourage it. Webster defines gullible as “easily deceived or cheated, naive.”

What makes a child gullible? A tendency to go along with what someone is telling you without thinking for one’s self. Not trusting one’s self.

Psychologist Stephen Greenspan,  author of Annals of Gullibility: Why We Get Duped and How to Avoid It,  recently appeared on NPR’s Science Friday to talk about his being duped in the Bernard Madoff's money-making  scheme, which fooled many clever people.

He made two very revealing comments during the interview.

1.    His mom always told him,”Don’t be so willing to do what your friends tell you.”

2.    He described himself as having “a tendency to be a nice guy and to do what people tell me.”

To listen to his interview, go here.

One secret to lessen your child's or students' gullibility is to support her child to think for herself and to encourage individual discernment, both at home and at school. When parents and educators try to do the thinking for children, they unknowingly diminish a child’s self-trust, autonomy, and awareness.

Denise Clark Pope in her book “Doing School”: How We Are Creating a Generation of Stressed Out, Materialistic, and Miseducated Students reports on a high-achieving sophomore in high school who explained “sincerely that, ideally, he wishes he could forget about the grades and just do the work the way he wants to do it. He wishes he could write papers the way he would like to see them written, instead of how the teachers want to see them.”

Kevin says with a sigh, “I wish I could say I’m an individual, and I am not going to sacrifice my individuality for a grade, you know…just write for writing’s sake.”

This is one place gullibility begins—when a young person feels they have to pay attention to others more than to herself. She becomes a people-pleaser and stops thinking for herself.. Then she is more easily prey for others who want take advantage of her naivete.

Filed Under: Books, Children, Current Affairs, Education, Grandparenting, Parenting

Vote Against No Child Left Behind

January 15, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Jeanne Houston refers to No Child Left Behind as No Child Left Alive.  If you agree, you can act today to tell President-Elect Obama what you believe children need.

If you’re opposed to the pressure we place on children and educators to perform in the high-stakes testing of No Child Left Behind, go here to cast your vote.

We can guide and empower our new president to make dramatic, positive changes in the lives of children.

Filed Under: Children, Current Affairs, Education, Grandparenting, Parenting
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