One of the most important tools you need as a parent or educator is to understand who children are and what they need from you in order to be happy and successful. Most likely the tools you have are based on the conventional wisdom of our culture and how you were raised. You may want to do what your parents did or be determined not to repeat some of their mistakes.

You may believe you will be a good parent or educator if you follow the conventional wisdom of our times. You may believe that if most parents or educators you know are using certain strategies and approaches with their child and students, you may decide it is the best and correct thing to do.

What I’ve found is that conventional wisdom is often based on misconceptions and misunderstandings about children. You may believe that your child is doing well because he is mostly well-behaved and is getting good grades in school, but what I've discovered is that often parents do not realize how their child is feeling emotionally.

Children who seem to be highly successful in school often feel pressured and stressed to perform. Often children who appear to be confident on the surface live with fear of what others think of them.
When you look around, you see many people in our society who are not happy, even the ones who seem on the surface to have things all figured out. They struggle to make ends meet, to manage their time, and to have loving, joyous relationships with the people in their lives. Here are some frequent problems that occur when you follow conventional wisdom about raising a child.

Many parents feel stressed and frustrated relating with their child. They don’t enjoy these wonderful young people who are a part of their life as much as they could. Parents struggle to get their child to listen to them and to do what they say. Other common challenges also include meltdowns, lack of cooperation, and communication that fails to connect with their child.

Many children are hurting emotionally in both subtle and obvious ways. In 2005, 15 million prescriptions were written for antidepressants for children and teenagers.Suicide rates doubled for children 5-14 years old over the past 20 years.

Surely it makes sense to consider what is happening emotionally with young people and with ourselves. These problems did not suddenly appear because children are now born more flawed. These problems are indicators of the increasing emotional struggle and pain children experience in our high-pressure, emotionally-insensitive culture.

I find it hard to comprehend that we have so many emotional challenges and pain in a culture that is considered to have one of the highest standards of living anywhere in the world. There is an inconsistency between our material abundance and our lack of emotional joy and connection.
If conventional wisdom were working, adults and children would be happier. People would enjoy their lives more, and there would be less conflict and upset feelings. Families would live with greater harmony and loving connection.

To improve this situation, it is essential that we make our children’s emotional wholeness a priority. When you learn to observe the signs of how your child is doing emotionally, you can help your child sort out difficulties before they become more challenging issues to resolve in the future.
Here are some suggestions to help you step out of conventional wisdom and to create more happiness for yourself and your child.

1.There was a bumper sticker in the 60’s that read, “Question Authority.” This simple advice is as timely today as it was then. When you think for yourself and follow your own inner guidance, you stop looking outside yourself for your answers. You find your answers from within yourself.

2. Observe and become more aware of what works in the long term, not just in the immediate moment. When you act based on your frustration in the moment, you often react from your emotional upset instead of responding with clarity and insight.

3.Look for new solutions to repetitive unpleasant patterns. Repeating the same behaviors over and over again will likely get you more of the same.

4. Challenge conventional wisdom and think outside of the box. This requires courage, creativity, optimism, and commitment. Doing what’s always been done seems to be so easy. Instead, decide to think for yourself and consider new possibilities. You’ll be amazed by what you can discover.

Parents and educators who come to me for coaching feel
unclear how to handle repetitive troubling behaviors and challenges
with their child. They don't know how to effectively respond to
these situations in order to best help their child. They feel confused
about how to evaluate their child's behavior. What behaviors are
warning signs of a child in trouble and what are simply part of a child
growing up?

Many troubling patterns appear to be normal child development because
we see them frequently in children of similar ages. Parents struggle
with issues and challenges that appear to be similar to those other
parents' experience. These frustrating challenges can appear to
be part of normal child development.

When you see a behavior or stressor frequently in other families or
classrooms, it does not mean it is an emotionally healthy behavior."Normal" does not mean "healthy." Because a
situation occurs frequently does not mean this behavior is emotionally
healthy or whole. It only means it occurs often because parents tend
to relate with their child in similar ways.

If nurturing your child's emotional wholeness is important to
you, it is important to be able to distinguish between "normal
behavior" and "emotionally healthy behavior."

While traveling in France, I observed a family interaction that exemplifies
the kinds of limiting patterns parents and educators frequently experience
with young people. I am walking along a trail to see the ancient Roman
bridge in southern France, the famous Pont du Gard.

A family of four walks in front of me – Mother, Father, Daughter
about 3 or 4, and Son about 6 or 7. They walk in a line, all four of
them holding hands with the two children in the middle. It looks so
loving and connected.

Suddenly Daughter angrily and defiantly pulls away from the line, turns
her back on them and refuses to walk further. For a few brief moments,
Son continues walking happily between Mom and Dad, holding each of their
hands.

Then Mom and Dad stop and turn toward Daughter, trying to coax her back
into the hand-holding line, but she refuses. She is having what I call
"a silent tantrum." There is a feeling of tension in the
air. I walk past them as Mom and Dad try to coax their daughter to join
them.

A few minutes later I come upon them again. Their relationship to one
another has changed dramatically. Now Daughter rides atop Mom's
shoulders. Dad is nowhere in sight. About four feet from Mom, Son marches
woodenly forward, eyes glazed over and glued ahead, face expressionless,
trying to act is if everything is okay.

No one is happy. Even daughter. She looks defiantly and angrily toward
her older brother as if she is staking her claim to Mom and is warning
her brother to stay away.

These kinds of interactions happen frequently in families and classrooms.
A child develops a limiting behavior in an attempt to get her emotional
needs met. Then she repeats it often in many different situations because
it seems to work.

One of the biggest problems with this girl's behavior is that
she will continue to use this strategy throughout her life in all of
her interactions with others. The only way to change this is for her
to learn a more positive approach to asking for what she wants.

Parents and teachers unknowingly contribute to these limiting behavior
patterns in their child by how they react to their child's behavior.
No one wins in these situations, and the pattern continues.

What are the repetitive interactions with your child that interfere
with the harmony in your home or with your joy and peace of mind? What
are the frustrating situations that happen so frequently they feel "normal"
to you? What are the times when you lose your loving connection with
your child?

These repetitive upsetting interactions are red flags that indicate
an emotional concern for you and your child, whether they last only
moments or the entire evening. Parents often put off doing something
to improve the situation until it becomes an overwhelming crisis, and
they feel stressed to the breaking point. Then they seek support and
guidance.

Nothing is gained by putting off taking action to improve the seemingly
small difficulties with your child. Life passes by, and your child grows
up quickly. Instead of struggling with a troubling issue, take positive
action today to have more joy, love and connection with your child.
You both deserve the best life has to offer.