Are there areas in your relationship with the children in your life where you feel powerless to change the situation? Times when "the kids" seem out of control and no matter what you’ve done to get them to change, they keep being uncooperative.

For whatever comfort this is–you are not alone. Most parents, teachers, and grandparents struggle with some aspect of their relationship with children. Children who ignore your requests to pick up their toys or to come to the dinner table on time. Children who scream when you tell them "No."

The tragic part of these stories is we adults too often persist in doing the same things over and over to solve these challenges even though our strategies don’t produce the results we want. Parents and teachers frequently tell me the same list of strategies they have tried–bribes, threats, punishment, reasoning, explaining–all of which do not create the desired long-term results.

The commonality in all of these approaches is they are intended to get the child to change her behavior. You unconsciously reason, "If only my child would act the way I want, everything would be all right." You keep hoping you can threaten, cajole, reason, bribe, or punish your child into compliance.

Many of you have heard me say this before. There is only one person whose behavior you can change, and it is your own. Yet how much time do you devote to trying to get your child to change? Or your boss or your spouse or your parents? We waste a lot of our time, energy and power trying to get others to change. If we put that same attention, power, and energy into our own change, we might actuallyget the results we want.

The good news is your child will change her behavior in response to your changed behavior. It can seem to work like magic.

Changing your own behavior can feel difficult. Doing new things requires courage, awareness, and lots of self-love. Your new behavior feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable, and you don’t know what’s going to happen when you do it consistently.

Here are a couple of suggestions to get you started:

~Determine which situations are not working for you. You’ll discover some things are more important to you than others. Pay attention to your highest priorities first.

~~Choose one thing you will do differently to improve your own behavior and choices in the situation. Focus on this new behavior daily so you can successfully follow through.

If you’re looking for some new ideas with your child, my booklet "60 Powerful Ways to Transform your Relationship with Children" will help you.

~~Observe the results in how you feel and how your child / student acts. Are you feeling better about the situation? How is your child responding?

When you use the power you have, you can create a wonderful connection with your child and have a lot of fun. Parenting becomes so much easier, and your child flourishes as an emotionally healthy person.

Recently a mom said to me, "I realize I’ve trained my daughter to
be afraid of me. Now I want to train her to trust me." Have you
ever wished you could change how your child perceives and reacts to
you? It can be painful to see the results of your actions and words
mirrored back to you in your child.

Since getting my horse Destiny, I’ve often thought about the
difference between training a horse and empowering a child. There
are similarities between these two because you’re relating with
another sentient being who perceives and remembers.

Children and horses remember how you treat them, and many of their
actions are a result of your actions toward them. When you are
gentle and patient, they respond more calmly and willingly. When
you neglect their emotional needs and act in ways that are
uncomfortable to them, they don’t trust you and feel cautious with
you, even when they do what you say.

Training is used to manage behavior in people and horses. Training
uses techniques, such as force, repetition, positive and negative
reinforcement, to elicit the desired behavior. Training is when you
have an agenda for the other, and you want them to do what you want.

Training is not something you can do with your child’s emotions.
Emotions are their own separate entity, separate from your child’s
thought-process. Emotions and perceptions of safety and
connectedness come from the inside out. The individual draws
conclusions and develops interpretations of reality based on their
unique perception of their life experience, not based on the
techniques you use.

Children, even when they are infants, perceive and make decisions
based on their own observations and experiences. You may believe or
hope that you can control their thoughts and feelings, but you
cannot.

You cannot train your child to trust you, to like you, or to feel
close and connected to you. You cannot train your child to be happy
and loving.

You may think you child needs your guidance to teach him how to be
a compassionate, successful person; but what I’ve seen is that
children are independent, autonomous, loving people who are
constantly figuring life out for themselves, regardless of what you
do or say.

Training creates obedience. Empowering your child nurtures his
ability to problem-solve, be creative and self-reliant. Empowering
your child helps her feel confident, loved, and joyous.

So what’s a parent or educator to do if your child feels insecure
or afraid of you? Focus on nurturing your child’s emotional
wholeness. Make your emotional connection together your highest
priority. Make choices from your deep love for your child. Then
you’ll feel the love and trust between you grow, and those old
behavior challenges disappear.