Children Archives - Page 33 of 33 - Joyous Family

The Price of Conformity

In 1965 Stanley Milgram, a social psychologist, performed a startling experiment about conformity, testing people’s ability to stand up for what they believe. He wanted to know how far people will go to do what they are told by an authority figure. Perhaps you have heard of it. I always find it fascinating, alarming, and insightful.

Milgram set up a simulated electric shock generator marked with voltage levels from 15 to 450 volts. Beside the numbers were signs indicating the strength of the electrical shock-from "Slight Shock" to "Danger: Severe Shock."

Each participant (all adult men) was asked to help the experimenter with a learning experiment. The helper’s job was to administer an electric shock to a (pretend) learner whenever the learner made a mistake. The experimenter instructed the helper to increase the intensity of the shock whenever the learner made a mistake.

In the initial studies, the helper could not hear the learner. According to Milgram, virtually all helpers "once commanded, went blithly to the end," and administered shocks at the highest level to the supposed learner. Then, Milgram altered the experiment. Now the learner cried out in pain from behind a wall-his pretended pain increasing with the increased strength of the voltage.

Even with the change, 65% of the helpers continued to follow the experimenter’s instructions and administered the highest voltage shock. One helper protested saying, "He can’t stand it! I’m not going to kill that man in there! You hear him hollering?…He can’t stand it. What if something happens to him?" Yet, when told to administer a higher shock, he complied.

After studying nearly 1000 adults, Milgram concluded "with numbing regularity, good people were seen to knuckle under to the demands of authority," and were willing to inflict severe pain to a fellow human being when told to do so.

We as parents and educators need to be aware of the pressure we place on children to conform, to compromise their own inner truth and guidance and to do as we say. Children pay a high price when we expect and demand compliance from them. Perhaps you can look back in your own childhood and identify ways in which this also limited you.

Children who learn to do what they are told when they are young have a difficult time breaking out of this pattern as adults. They may find themselves always trying to please and do what they "should" do, rather than trusting and following their own inner guidance. The cost to your child and to society is the loss of your child’s courage, independence, confidence, autonomy, and creative thinking out-of-the-box.

Consider your choices and actions carefully the next time you demand your child do what you say. See if you can find another way that includes your child’s perspective and desires.

Reflections on China

China is such an experience in contrasts–the modern and the ancient, the stark and gray with the ornate and colorful, rigid political controls and spontaneous, child-like laughter and being-ness.

The first thing that strikes me in Xian is the grayness–the gray skies covered with rain clouds and lingering pollution, gray-walled buildings void of decoration or trim, neutral colored skyscrapers. The Cultural Revolution destroyed so much history and this trend continues as China rushes toward modern times. A country in transtion…

The second thing Is the sheer numbers of people. The streets and sidewalks are a constant dance among pedestrians, bicycles, taxis and buses. The rules of the road are loose, and it is a free-for-all, with everyone jockeying for their best position. The blessing in this is that traffic moves slowly, and everyone looks out for everyone else, even when it’s done grudgingly. This photo shows a very uncrowded street. Just imagine every square foot of concrete taken by a car, bus, bicycle, pedestrian. That will give you a more realistic perspective.

An indication of the numbers of people is the primary school in which I volunteer in the afternoons. In a relatively small space, there are over 4700 students in grades 1 – 6. The classrooms are small and crowded with 40 – 60 children per class. There is no heat even though the temperature is in the low 40’s, and the children wear their winter jackets, as do I.

This photo is of a very, very small percentage of the school children who were gathered for an outdoor assembly.

The beauty is in the heart and warm smiles of the people. I am treated like a movie star on campus. Children come up to me, eager simply to say "hello", and many classrooms cheer and clap when I walk in the door, even though they have never met me. At the end of each class, the children spontaneously rush toward me with their English books in hand to get my autograph. They’re pretty aggressive in all of their enthusiasm, pushing and shoving and practically knocking each other and myself down. Today, I’ve got a plan to create a structure in which they get their much-desired-autograph, and I get to enjoy standing solidly on my feet while doing it. 🙂

This innocent, open child-like spirit is found throughout the city, including the adults. They are spontaneous, focused, sincere, hard-working people. They are eager to learn and uninhibited in their joyous, enthusiastic expression. I find it heart-warming and beautiful. I’d love to experience more of it in Western society. We’ve lost something precious in our desire to succeed and look good.

Another thing that has been quite interesting about my time here in Xi’an is its history. It was the capital city of China for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. It is the home of the Terracotta Warriors, which I will visit this coming weekend, and was the starting /end point of the Silk Road.

Yesterday I walked down to the Muslim District, a fascinating blend of Chinese and Muslim. There are kabobs for sale by street vendors, Chinese-looking men wearing fez hats, and beautiful tea shops. And everywhere there is the constant flow of people walking and bicycling.