Brick by Brick, Step by Step

In the last couple of weeks, my husband Doug and I laid 1300 bricks in our front yard as part of our landscaping project. 1300 bricks weigh about 9000 pounds and we handled each brick three or more times. That’s a lot of weight lifting!

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We were amazed how easily and effortlessly we handled so much weight in a day.
One day we laid 700 bricks, each weighing 6 pounds and handled them four times for a total of 16,800 pounds. This means we each lifted 8,400 pounds that day, which is a little over 4 tons each. Unfathomable!

It would have been impossible for us to lift 4 tons at one time, but brick by brick it was possible. When I shared this story with a friend, she said, “Now you know how the Great Wall was built.” Great things are created step by step.

The same is true of any project in life, including making an improvement in a relationship with someone you love. When things aren’t going the way we want with our child or a loved one, we always want it resolved immediately.

We feel we can’t put up with it another minute, and we push things and try to make changes happen quickly. We want our child or ourselves to change our behavior patterns immediately, and we become frustrated and irritated when we see the old behavior patterns appear after we thought we had them licked.

Small, seemingly insignificant steps forward create massive achievements, and it’s really the only way this happens. Look for these small steps and celebrate your child’s or your own forward movement. Whenever you criticize for imperfection, you slow down the process forward, if not halting it completely.

When you find yourself feeling impatient with someone or something in your life not changing quickly enough, think of the Great Wall or of Doug and I lifting over 4 tons in eight hours. Remind yourself how significant change occurs. It’s brick by brick and step by step.

   

Today’s Generation of Children

You may wonder why your child doesn’t respond the same way you did as a child. She may be more willful or disrespectful, which causes you to wonder what kind of person she is to act this way. Today’s children aren’t the way you were when you grew up. Times have changed. Today’s children have their own ideas and are more independent. They want things the way they want them and they usually insist on having them now.

Children today can feel like a handful to their parents. These young people are powerful, capable, and internet-ready. They are less willing to do what they are told and have stronger opinions about things. They are also more sensitive to the emotional environment in which they live, which can result in behavior patterns that are frustrating and uncomfortable to themselves and their parents.

What used to be considered good parenting is no longer adequate to raise today’s children in our modern world. Children need a new approach from their parents if they are to flourish. They need for you to be stronger, clearer and more sensitive. They need for you to nurture their emotional wholeness so they can flourish and express their brilliant innate potential. In our rapidly changing times, they need a solid, loving, emotionally safe foundation with you.

One of the things I do in my Parenting with Joy Training is guide parents to be more aware of their child’s emotional wholeness and to make this a priority. This means making your child’s emotional well-being a higher priority than the orderliness of his room, the color of her hair or the clothes she wears, and his grades in school. When your child is emotionally whole, he will much more easily and naturally make wise choices in all of the areas of his life.

Think about it this way. When you feel joyous, confident and fulfilled in life, you do your best work and things go positively and easily. You have a lot more fun. When the opposite is true and you feel unhappy, confused or alone, things don’t go well. Everything seems hard, and simply getting up and making your bed can feel like a monumental task.

The same is true for your child. When she is flourishing emotionally, her natural brilliance radiates, and she is loving, creative and able to achieve what she desires. However, when she struggles with unhappiness, her health suffers. Her grades drop, emotional and behavior problems appear, and she is less motivated to participate fully in life.

Love Joyously!

Today’s children require a new style of parenting. You need to know how to allow freedom and self-expression while clearly setting limits that empower your child and not limit him. You need to be an insightful, aware guide and facilitator, not a disciplinarian. You need to be the best person you can be in order to be the best parent you can be.

Emotional wholeness is the powerful key that makes it all work. Emotional wholeness means being who you are, listening to yourself and doing what feels best to you. Emotional wholeness gives you and your child a strong sense of personal identity and confidence, the ability to feel deeply and live life with freedom, clarity, focus, joy and love of self and others. When your child is emotionally whole, he wants to get along with you and is emotionally connected with himself and with you.

When you make emotional wholeness a priority, you will notice amazing, wonderful things happen. Your child will express herself in ways you never imagined possible. She will be kinder and more cooperative, more motivated to achieve significant goals, and will make profound observations of discovery about herself and about life. I’ve had so many delighted clients tell me stories about the surprising new things their child did and said since making emotional wholeness a priority.

When you realize that emotional wholeness is the key to all of your child’s future success and happiness, the choice is really a simple one. You probably already know you want your child to be emotionally whole. Now it is a matter of making it a priority for your child and for yourself. Just imagine what a creative, joyous combination that will make!

Walk Means Walk

Yesterday morning at the ranch where we keep our horses I witnessed a scene I often see happen in interactions between horses and their owners and between adults and children. I heard a horse owner, whom I will call Judy, firmly tell her horse, “Walk! Walk!”

I think to myself, “What a great clear instruction she just gave!” I expected to look over and see her horse walking cooperatively and calmly beside her. Instead, Judy’s horse is 6 or 7 feet ahead of her, and Judy is tugging on the lead rope, trying to get her horse to stop.

I know you’re hanging on the edge of your seat wondering what happened next! Well, the horse calmly walked forward, leading Judy behind her! End of story!

What is the pattern that just got reinforced here? When Judy says, “Walk,” it means nothing and probably means, “keep walking.” In fact, Judy’s horse may extend this pattern further to include everything Judy says whether she’s leading or riding. Her horse will likely act as if almost anything Judy says means nothing It may even include instruction from all humans.

This is not an argument to be firm and tough with horses or children. Quite the contrary. My message here is to make sure you mean what you say, and be prepared to follow through with appropriate, clear, firm action if you are ignored. (If you want more information about this, go to my audio programs / CD’s about “Why Johnny Doesn’t Listen and What You Can Do about It” and “Create Win-Win Agreements with Children.”)

Often parents and educators tell children too many different things as they micro-manage their child’s every action. Neither the child nor the parent can follow through on everything, and parents are often not committed to what they say.

Training a horse and raising a child are very different activities. However, some principles apply to both, and this is one of them. When you are unclear where you stand as a person, you create confusion, frustration, and power struggles for yourself, your child, and your horse.

Be clear when you need to say, “no”, and be prepared to follow through with action.

PS. After writing this, I have decided to make an audio program / CD about “Setting Limits without Limiting.” I’ve been putting this off, and I want to make it soon. Watch my newsletter "Joy with Children" (subscribe) or this blog for the announcement of when it’s ready.

Powerful Speech about Education

In the most recent edition of Education Revolution published a powerful speech to the Texas legislature delivered by Representative Cheri Isett. In response, she received an overwhelming ovation by the legislators, and her speech was published in the Quorum Report, an inside capitol rag.

As she left the room, the Sergeant at Arms who guards the door was in tears. He said nothing had ever been said in that room that was more important. He told her, "I was one of those kids."

If you’d like to know more about the publication in which I found this, you can go to Education Revolution and have access to numerous books and information about alternatives in education.

Here is the content of Cheri Isett’s inspiring speech.

I recognize that I am the most junior members of the House and for me to speak in this manner, I know, is highly unusual.  However, this may be the only opportunity I have to address this body on a matter that I feel is of utmost importance and lies deep within my heart.  In fact, what I am about to say to you, I believe, is so important that I am going to read it rather than speak freely as I am accustomed to doing.

HB1 is a good bill.  I am wholeheartedly behind reducing and restraining the growth on the egregious burden of property taxes in Texas.  I was glad to vote for it.  Carl stayed up way past his bedtime to watch the passage of HB1 and be a part of this historic legislation which you all have worked so hard on.

But there is something in this bill which grieves my heart.  Something I believe we will pay dearly for in generations to come. That is the education reform measures which, although well meaning, will be to the detriment of Texas children.  I am eager to see Texas children grow and increase in knowledge and education.  My goodness, I have seven of them.  I earnestly desire for the generation being raised up now to have greater opportunities than there were for the generation before them.  But I believe we are on a misguided path with increases in standardized testing and mandated course work.

I know, we all know, the utter frustration from parents and teachers and students over increased regiments and standardized testing.  I believe we would all agree that studying to a test and regurgitating is not a true education.  We would all agree that the minds of Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, Thomas Edison, Samuel Morse, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Michael Dell would never have tolerated such infliction upon them.  They would never have allowed their creativity and their courage to step into unknown territories to be held back by the boxes that we force our school children to conform into.

These children were created by God to be unique individuals with unique gifts and talents.  They are aching to break free from the tyranny of standardized tests and curriculum scope and sequence and express those gifts and talents.  But we have legislated them out.  We have told the artist that he has to pull back and cut back on blossoming in his chosen art because he doesn’t have time.  He has to take another math and science class.  We have told the very, very bright entrepreneur that his pursuits are worthless because he is not a good test taker and pulls our school ratings down.  We have told our teachers that they are not good teachers and don’t deserve merits for their efforts because the artists and entrepreneurs in their classes don’t deliver the goods in test results.

There is a whole world of knowledge and all of history to study.  We could never impart all of it to every child.  There’s just too much of it.  So who has the right to determine what body of knowledge has merit.  Who was it anyway that said every seventh grader needs to know all the parts of the cell and their function.  Why is that more important than, say, the intricacies of weather systems.  And why are either of those more important than any other body of knowledge which delights the heart of a child.  Who gives merit to one body of knowledge over another.  And yet, through our essential skills and standardized tests, we praise one type of learner and condemn another.  We tell our classroom teachers that it doesn’t matter that you want to reach the heart of a child . We want you to mold his mind to conform to what we believe is a productive, college-prepped student.

I challenge you, Members, in sessions to come as you discuss these crucially important matters, to break out of the box.  We can no longer afford to measure education success in terms of test results and rigorous curriculum.  In that arena, countries like China clearly have us beat.  They are disciplined, they are structured, they can produce multiples of what we can produce cheaper, not better, but more of it and cheaper.

The one thing other cultures lack which we possess and which we must fight to hold on to is creativity, imagination, and courage.  These are the things which we must foster in education if our children and our nation are to survive.  We need minds that are nurtured in discovery, not rote memorization.  We need individuals who are able to muster the courage to go where others have never gone.  We need to quit trying to cookie cutter every child in Texas schools and let the God given, God led creativity and excellence flow out.  We need to trust teachers to do what they have been called to do and quit micro-managing them. When it comes to accountability measures in exchange for state funding, we need to hold school administrators responsible for their stewardship of those monies, not place the onerous burden of performance on the shoulders of those who at this point are victims in this debate, the students and their teachers.  We need to quit telling parents that their child is a failure because he’s not raising our school’s ratings with his test results.

What I’m challenging you with will in itself require creativity and courage to do.  In the sessions to come, I’m challenging you to trust that children are naturally curious and creative.  Trust that if we as adults get out of their way, they will discover and grow in their world every bit as much between the ages of 6 and 18 as they did from birth to age 5.  We need to give the teachers in their classrooms the support and discretionary funding to explore and discover with their students. Not funding for more bureaucracy, but funding to buy state of the art equipment to learn on, funding to backpack over Guadalupe Peak,  funding to build a boat from scratch and sail it across a big lake.  We need to appreciate the value of apprenticeships and accordingly, to loosen child labor laws enough to provide for them. We need to stop burdening children with standardized testing which we would all have to honestly agree is not the measure of a true education.

Members, this is a big challenge.  I’ve seen more intellectual firepower in this room in the last three weeks than I’ve ever seen in one place before.  For the sake of our children, for the sake of our nation let’s use that firepower to find a better, more creative, more productive way to approach education reform than the road we’ve been on.

Thank you for allowing me to speak from my heart.

Watch this Inspiring Movie

I watched an inspiring movie yesterday based on a true story
Freedom Writers.
Erin Gruwell as a first-year
teacher chose to work in recently-integrated Long Beach School District in Southern California. She taught just after the riots surrounding the
Rodney King verdict. The first day she walked into her classroom, eager and
innocent, wearing her fashionable suit and pearls.

In walk her students—African-Americans, Hispanics,
Asian-Americans, and a few white students—all wanting to be somewhere else,
having
no interest in her or whatever her do-gooder-ness had to say. They were simply
putting in their time and, at best, tolerating her.

With each passing day, the interaction in the classroom and
her passion for her work, spiraled downward.
Just as she was about to give up
ever reaching them, ever getting past their protective bravado, she discovered
a teach-able moment that connected with them. The transformation and the love
affair began.

The movie authentically reflects the realities of life for
the youth.
The day-to-day struggle just to stay alive. Gangs as family and the
loyalty of being true to your own. Their hardness with their pain buried deep
beneath the surface.

The movie powerfully demonstrates what connects with young people, irregardless of their age, ethnicity, or cultural background. This is what works.

You have to show up as the person you truly are, with all of your strengths and limitations. This makes it possible for your child to connect with you. Children become distant and detached and manipulative when you try to be a good parent or teacher.

It’s all about relationship-the emotional connection between the two of you.

Every child wants to succeed in life and to lowingly relate with you. Sometimes they and you become distracted from this powerful desire and then the power struggles, impatience, and misunderstandings begin.