In the last couple of weeks, my husband Doug and I laid 1300 bricks in our front yard as part of our landscaping project. 1300 bricks weigh about 9000 pounds and we handled each brick three or more times. That’s a lot of weight lifting!

We were amazed how easily and effortlessly we handled so much weight in a day. One day we laid 700 bricks, each weighing 6 pounds and handled them four times for a total of 16,800 pounds. This means we each lifted 8,400 pounds that day, which is a little over 4 tons each. Unfathomable!

It would have been impossible for us to lift 4 tons at one time, but brick by brick it was possible. When I shared this story with a friend, she said, “Now you know how the Great Wall was built.” Great things are created step by step.

The same is true of any project in life, including making an improvement in a relationship with someone you love. When things aren’t going the way we want with our child or a loved one, we always want it resolved immediately.

We feel we can’t put up with it another minute, and we push things and try to make changes happen quickly. We want our child or ourselves to change our behavior patterns immediately, and we become frustrated and irritated when we see the old behavior patterns appear after we thought we had them licked.

Small, seemingly insignificant steps forward create massive achievements, and it’s really the only way this happens. Look for these small steps and celebrate your child’s or your own forward movement. Whenever you criticize for imperfection, you slow down the process forward, if not halting it completely.

When you find yourself feeling impatient with someone or something in your life not changing quickly enough, think of the Great Wall or of Doug and I lifting over 4 tons in eight hours. Remind yourself how significant change occurs. It’s brick by brick and step by step.

   

Yesterday morning at the ranch where we keep our horses I witnessed a scene I often see happen in interactions between horses and their owners and between adults and children. I heard a horse owner, whom I will call Judy, firmly tell her horse, “Walk! Walk!”

I think to myself, “What a great clear instruction she just gave!” I expected to look over and see her horse walking cooperatively and calmly beside her. Instead, Judy’s horse is 6 or 7 feet ahead of her, and Judy is tugging on the lead rope, trying to get her horse to stop.

I know you’re hanging on the edge of your seat wondering what happened next! Well, the horse calmly walked forward, leading Judy behind her! End of story!

What is the pattern that just got reinforced here? When Judy says, “Walk,” it means nothing and probably means, “keep walking.” In fact, Judy’s horse may extend this pattern further to include everything Judy says whether she’s leading or riding. Her horse will likely act as if almost anything Judy says means nothing It may even include instruction from all humans.

This is not an argument to be firm and tough with horses or children. Quite the contrary. My message here is to make sure you mean what you say, and be prepared to follow through with appropriate, clear, firm action if you are ignored. (If you want more information about this, go to my audio programs / CD’s about “Why Johnny Doesn’t Listen and What You Can Do about It” and “Create Win-Win Agreements with Children.”)

Often parents and educators tell children too many different things as they micro-manage their child’s every action. Neither the child nor the parent can follow through on everything, and parents are often not committed to what they say.

Training a horse and raising a child are very different activities. However, some principles apply to both, and this is one of them. When you are unclear where you stand as a person, you create confusion, frustration, and power struggles for yourself, your child, and your horse.

Be clear when you need to say, “no”, and be prepared to follow through with action.

PS. After writing this, I have decided to make an audio program / CD about “Setting Limits without Limiting.” I’ve been putting this off, and I want to make it soon. Watch my newsletter "Joy with Children" (subscribe) or this blog for the announcement of when it’s ready.