At the beginning of a new year, most people reflect on ways they want to grow and improve themselves and their life. When you take time to consider the big picture of your life, to consider the events of the previous year and to choose what matters most for the coming year, you gain new perspectives and insights. You take time out of the day-to-day busyness of your life and focus on what matters most.

As a parent or educator, you care deeply about the children in your life. You would do anything you could to nurture the innocence, love and joy in their heart. You want them to succeed in life. Here are five resolutions that invite you to step into the joyous magnificence of what is possible for you and your child this year and to make a powerful contribution to the lives of the children you love.

I, ________ (your name here) do hereby resolve to:

1.  Release old ways of perceiving my child in order to understand her more clearly.

2.  Uncover the unconscious ways in which I diminish my child's / students' natural self-confidence, brilliance, lovingness, and joy in living.

3.  Nurture my child's emotional wholeness and self-trust as my highest priorities, knowing these build a strong, solid foundation for the rest of his life.

4.  Explore how I can grow as a person in order to be the parent / educator my child / students need me to be.

5.  Discover and develop my natural ability to create a relationship with my child based on mutual trust, appreciation and loving joy.

Because your child spends many of his waking hours in school and in school-related activities, time spent in school plays a big part in his life and significantly impacts his development as a person. He probably spends more time at school than he does with you. Because of this, it is important you use the time you have with him to the maximum benefit and focus your attention on nurturing his emotional wholeness.

A child’s participation in school is often as stressful for parents as it is for children. Parents feel pressured to meet the school’s expectations to follow through on their child’s homework and behavior at home. They feel pressured to make sure their child’s homework is done well to the best of her ability or to make sure her behavior conforms to the school’s standards of appropriate conduct.

This added pressure on you and your child affects both your child’s and your emotional well-being throughout the day. It also dramatically impacts your relationship with him. The increased tension carries over into other areas of your life together. Your precious time together may not be as much fun or loving as you’d both like it to be.

You may be like other parents who frequently feel frustrated with their child’s academic motivation and achievement. You try to help her get her work done, even if it means you do the work yourself. Or you may simply stand over her every night after school, making sure her work is done and up to the standards of which you feel she is capable. All of this often results in parents and children raising their voices at one another in frustration.

These painful interactions and stress are not good for you or for your child. Your child needs to feel loved and connected to you, no matter what he does in school. Your loving connection with your child is also very important to you. Harsh words spoken in anger can ruin your day. Only to come home and begin the whole cycle again.

Here are five tips on how to make the best of the time you have together. All of these help your child succeed in school.

•    Make your emotional connection with your child your highest priority. Nothing matters more…not grades, not a messy notebook, not homework. Your effectiveness as a parent and your child’s sense of well-being in life depends on this. Your child needs to trust you and feel loved and appreciated by you.

•    Pay attention to how your child is doing emotionally. Usually we pay attention to how our child is doing academically and socially. However, your child’s emotional wholeness is the foundation for both his academic and social success. Is he happy and enjoying his time in school? Does he love to go to school? Be sure to explore what’s working and what’s not working during those hours he is not with you.

•    Listen to what your child tells you with an open heart and an open mind. Her experience of school or of a particular situation is her experience. Even though you may perceive the situation differently, try to see the situation through her eyes.

•    Be willing to think outside the box. Not all children learn in the same way. Math may not be your child’s interest or strength, but this does not mean he cannot create a meaningful, satisfying life for himself, both now or in the future. If you have concerns, don’t assume the problem is your child. Children learn in many different ways.

•    Take action to improve challenging situations at school, even ones that seem to be inconsequential or temporary. When you or your child is struggling emotionally, it is never inconsequential and seldom temporary. Get help from someone outside the school who can observe your child and the situation from all perspectives.

Make your relationship with your child the best it can be, no matter what happens in school. You may believe that your child’s academic success and behavior in school is your highest priority. What I’ve seen is that it’s her emotional wholeness and the quality of the emotional connection she has with you that makes all the difference. Use your power and influence to make a positive differnce in your child’s life.

Self-confidence means different things to different people. Some believe self-confidence is a "can-do" attitude that shows no vulnerability, uncertainty, or self-doubt. They believe one simply goes out and gets things done without regard to how she feels. Others say true self-confidence means you can be honest and show your vulnerability and still be confident. They believe that if you're truly confident, you don't need to hide your vulnerability and your humanness. 

Definitions of self-confidence I found on Wikipedia include self-assuredness in one's personal judgment, ability, power, sometimes manifested excessively; self-esteem; a measure of belief in one's own abilities; self-acceptance.

My personal definition of self-confidence is having an inner relationship with yourself that allows you to express yourself honestly and authentically out in the world without waiting for or having external approval from others. Being self-confident means having positive approval and appreciation for yourself. It means trusting yourself.

No matter what your definition, we all agree that self-confidence is an essential component for children's success and enjoyment of life. Self-confidence is one thing we all want for our children.

There are indicators you can watch for that your child doesn't feel self-confident. These may include being clingy and needing lots of parent or teacher attention, unwillingness or hesitancy to try something new, giving up easily, being shy and timid, holding back from participating or interacting with others.

Other possible indicators are being very active and "high strung" in an unfocused, ungrounded way-what is typically identified as ADHD behavior, asking for adult approval or permission, frequent expressions of anger and frustration, being unkind or hurtful of others, frequent crying, tantrums, and meltdowns, defiance and disrespect.

You may believe these are simply childhood misbehaviors that need to be improved through teaching your child right from wrong. What I've seen is that when you empower your child's emotional wholeness your child's self-confidence grows and these seeming misbehaviors quickly improve or disappear.

To nurture your child's self-confidence, you need the confidence, clarity and skills to empower your child's trust in herself. Then she feels confident to take care of herself, to think for herself, and make positive choices for herself. If you focus on teaching and training your child to act better and ignore her emotional well-being, you'll always fall short of what you want for your child.

You can't get where you want to go by focusing on your child's behavior. You need to focus on your child's emotional and spiritual wholeness.

Sometimes parents and educators worry about a child having too much self-confidence. What I've seen is what appears to be too much self-confidence and lack of sensitivity to others is really a lack of self-confidence. Children who are unkind and bully others have dramatically diminished feelings of self-confidence, which they try to cover up by appearing toug, uncaring, and overly self-confident.

When you nurture your child's emotional and spiritual wholeness, you will soon see indicators of your child's increasing self-confidence. Your child will be happier and more independent. He will get along more easily with others and be more cooperative and easy-going. He will be more motivated to create positive experiences for himself and to take action.

The only path to empowering your child to be self-confident is through nurturing her emotional and spiritual wholeness. It is not a learned behavior. It is not something you can teach your child. It is something your child feels on the inside and that is expressed as joy, love, and full self-expression on the outside.

In my workshops and coaching, I often see parents and educators
struggle to know the right way to handle a challenging situation.
They look at me and ask, "What’s the right thing to do?"

Every parent and educator knows this question, and we often turn to
others or to books to learn the right thing. We think there is a
right answer, and we feel compelled to find it so we can do the
right thing.

What if I were to tell you there is no right way. The "right way"
does not exist. The "right way" is only what’s right for that
person in that situation and with that child and cannot be applied
to everyone.

Most of us were raised to believe there is a right answer to every
question. We learned this from our parents and from our teachers.
Our goal as children and students was to learn the right answer,
which our "experts", our parents and teachers, already knew. We
strove to please the important adults in our life.

There was great benefit for us in knowing the right answers. We
received smiles from Mom and Dad, better grades, special treats,
positive recognition and attention. There was also a price for not
getting the right answer: punishment, loss of toys and privileges,
being sent to our room, withdrawal of love and positive attention.

As young people, we learned our lessons well and unknowingly came
to believe in the Right-Answer Fairy. Belief in the Right-Answer
Fairy has left us searching for the right answers from others and
searching with our minds and intellect. Too often we ignore the
messages of our heart and our natural inner knowing. We also ignore
the messages from our children.

Most people agree on what we want for children-happiness,
self-confidence, cooperation, and loving connection with others.
What we don’t agree on is how to create these qualities in
children. Yet it’s the "how" that makes all the difference. Two
people who agree on what they want to create can disagree
dramatically on how to make it happen.

One person believes spanking is the right way to get a child to
cooperate. Another believes the answer lies in explaining "why" the
child needs to cooperate. Still another believes kindly teaching
will get a child to cooperate. Others believe in charts, taking
toys away or giving the child a reward when he succeeds.

How you define the "right way" depends on how you perceive children
and what they need from us. Parents and educators often believe the
answer lies in managing and training a child’s behavior. What I’ve
found is when you focus on nurturing a child’s emotional and
spiritual wholeness, you empower your child’s internal knowing,
which guides him to naturally be more cooperative and loving.

Finding the "right way" is a complex answer, which depends on who
you are, your child’s unique core essence, and everyone’s needs and
desires in the moment. The "right way" can change from moment to
moment. It is not a static answer.

Searching for the "right answer" is like going on a Snipe Hunt or
hoping to catch a glimpse of the Right Answer Fairy. It is a
pointless search. Instead, focus as neutrally as possible on the
situation, and become aware of what is happening emotionally with
you and your child.

I wish you and your family a joyous, loving holiday, one that opens
your heart to a deeper connection with those around you, with your
self, and with life. May you experience profound contentment and
peace. May your child’s eyes and your eyes sparkle with delight this
holiday season and throughout the coming year!

Joyous blessings,
Connie