A Mother’s Success with Her Daughter’s Tantrums

July 20, 2010 By Leave a Comment

I’ve been telling you that tantrums and emotional upsets with your child of any age can be resolved, and they are not a normal or necessary part of childhood.

I want to share a quick story about a mom whom I’ll call Mary, mother of two girls one a young teen and the other 6, to share with you what’s possible.

Mary and her husband struggled with their younger daughter’s frequent ‘screaming fits,’ which they reported, “could last for hours.” In addition, these emotional upsets occurred several times every day, whenever they had to tell their daughter, “No.”

As you can imagine, this affected the entire family on a daily, constant basis. Everyone, including the older daughter, tiptoed around this young girl, afraid of setting her off. They saw her as fragile and tried to keep her happy.

Mary was exhausted and distracted by the attention and time she gave to her youngest daughter, feeling she was neglecting her older daughter, and having frequent fights with her husband about their daughter’s tantrums.

Then there were the times she was at the end of her rope, when she became an angry, yelling, upset, out-of-control mom, which she always regretted afterward.

Her young daughter was creating chaos for everyone, and she knew she had to do something.

She came to me for coaching, clear that, “My girls need a better mom.”

After getting some coaching, Mary learned how to calmly and consistently respond to her daughter’s tantrums, to not be afraid or overwhelmed by them. Things began to change immediately. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Children, Grandparenting, Loving Yourself, Parenting, Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

What Kind of Tantrum is Your Child Having Now?

July 16, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Children of all ages have tantrums and emotional upsets. Interestingly, the steps to respond to tantrums are the same, whether your child is 2 or 25. Even if you have an older or even grown child, this info applies to your child also.

Thanks to my work with children and parents, I’ve discovered there is more than one kind of tantrum. Many people believe tantrums are only about a crying, upset child who doesn’t get his way, and there is one way to respond to all tantrums.

Yet if you treat all tantrums as if they are the same, you miss the deeper communication your child is giving you.

Yes, a tantrum – whether it is loud, screaming and crying or silent and withdrawn – is a communication from your child. Your child is telling you something important.

It is not just a manipulation or an act of defiance. Your child is not testing you, even though it may feel like that.

For various possible reasons, your child has chosen this method to communicate with you.

So far, I’ve discovered 6 different kinds of tantrums with 6 different messages. Some of them are somewhat similar and yet each requires that you respond in a unique way. I’d like to share a couple of them with you.

First is the kind everyone generally thinks of when they hear the word ‘tantrum.” Johnny wants something, and you say, “No,” which prompts a screaming, crying scene. What makes this unique is that it’s part of a repetitive pattern your child has learned over time.

His communication sounds something like this, “I want something and you’re not giving it to me. I’ve used screaming and crying before and it’s worked so I will keep this up until you give in and give me what I want just to get me to stop.”

Some parents have told me their child can go on for hours. This is exhausting and no-fun for you or your child.

This child doesn’t know or trust the power of his words to have an impact with you so his default is crying as a communication. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Children, Grandparenting, Loving Yourself, Parenting, Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

What to Do When Moms and Dads Disagree about their Child’s Tantrums

July 15, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Johnny is on the floor screaming and crying. Your teen just stormed to her room after yelling at you. Tommy put his head on the table and refuses to talk to you.

Your child’s tantrums and emotional upsets are never fun. But they become even more complicated and challenging when you and your partner don’t see eye-to-eye on how to respond to these already difficult moments.

Usually moms and dads fall on opposite ends of the spectrum. One believes in firm rules, structure and discipline. The other is more flexible and interested in making sure their child is happy.

Because tantrums are such emotionally-charged situations, it’s easy for you and your partner to get your own emotions triggered. You lose your cool and become frustrated or angry about the way your partner just handled your child’s emotional upset.

You may believe your partner is too harsh and critical. Your partner believes your child needs more structure and that you’re letting your child walk all over you and perhaps even encourages the tantrums.

It’s important to your child and to your family’s emotional well-being that you and your partner work together, that you are equal, loving partners with one another.

Here are some quick tips to help you work things out –

1. Remember neither of you nor your partner is wrong. When it comes to parenting, the important question is not right or wrong. The important question is how can we make this work. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Children, Grandparenting, Loving Yourself, Parenting, Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How is Technology Affecting Your Child?

July 2, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Parents often share with me their concern about their child’s frequent use of technology, their seeming ‘addiction’ to all things virtual – texting, video games, instant messaging, cell phones, game boys in addition to TV and movies.

Recently I came across an article about children and technology by child psychologist and author David Elkind of Tufts University. I’ve always had great respect, affinity and admiration for his ideas and teachings.

In his article, Elkind reflects on the many changes a child experiences because of our technological society…the focus on speed in making things happen, general cultural changes of feeling busier and more rushed to get things done.

Cell phones and IM that feed into the divide between children and their parents because they have easy and immediate access to friends 24 / 7.

Before the digital culture, there was a language and lore of childhood – games, songs, rhymes, stories passed down verbally from generation to generation. Remember “The Itsy, Bitsy Spider?” Now young people have access to information from all over the world with little need or time for such ‘silly games.’

One of the things that most concerns me is the loss of 8 – 12 hours per week of unstructured play and outdoor pastimes. Elkind reminds us “spontaneous play allows children to use their imagination, make and break rules, socialize with each other…nurtures their autonomy and originality.”

These are hugely essential developmental experiences and skills that naturally develop problem-solving skills, social skills, self-expression, deep connection to one’s self, and creativity. If we limit these in our children, we “dumb them down” as author-educator John Taylor Gatto would say, and advance a mindless lack of awareness of self, others, and the realities of life. [Read more…]

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Are You Telling Your Child Too Much?

June 28, 2010 By Leave a Comment

A mompreneur client of mine once shared with me this story about her 7-year-old daughter. She had just finished telling her daughter some info that she thought was important. She was trying to ‘teach’ her child an important idea to help her in life.

After she was finished, her daughter calmly looked at her and explained, “Mom, when you talk to me, all I hear is ‘blah……blah..blah…..blah..blah.”

You might think, “Wow! What a disrespectful daughter…telling her mother something like this AND not even listening!”

Her mom and I heard something different in her daughter’s communication. She told her mom her experience when her mom started ‘teaching’ her and gave her mom valuable feedback about her communication with her daughter, something every mother can use.

Shortly after this, her mom and dad signed up for my Joyous Parenting Training because they realized they needed to learn how to talk so their daughter would listen. In fact, this feedback from her daughter helped my client understand how much her words were ‘missing’ her daughter, which was the opposite of what she wanted.

Many parents believe that telling their child what he should and shouldn’t do will convince their child to do what they say. They believe their words will change their child’s behavior.

Sometimes this is true; but in reality, words seldom affect or change a child’s behavior as her parents hope it will. Often what the child hears is, “blah……blah..blah…..blah..blah.” [Read more…]

Filed Under: Children, Education, Grandparenting, Loving Yourself, Parenting, Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,
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