Parents and educators who come to me for coaching feel
unclear how to handle repetitive troubling behaviors and challenges
with their child. They don't know how to effectively respond to
these situations in order to best help their child. They feel confused
about how to evaluate their child's behavior. What behaviors are
warning signs of a child in trouble and what are simply part of a child
growing up?

Many troubling patterns appear to be normal child development because
we see them frequently in children of similar ages. Parents struggle
with issues and challenges that appear to be similar to those other
parents' experience. These frustrating challenges can appear to
be part of normal child development.

When you see a behavior or stressor frequently in other families or
classrooms, it does not mean it is an emotionally healthy behavior."Normal" does not mean "healthy." Because a
situation occurs frequently does not mean this behavior is emotionally
healthy or whole. It only means it occurs often because parents tend
to relate with their child in similar ways.

If nurturing your child's emotional wholeness is important to
you, it is important to be able to distinguish between "normal
behavior" and "emotionally healthy behavior."

While traveling in France, I observed a family interaction that exemplifies
the kinds of limiting patterns parents and educators frequently experience
with young people. I am walking along a trail to see the ancient Roman
bridge in southern France, the famous Pont du Gard.

A family of four walks in front of me – Mother, Father, Daughter
about 3 or 4, and Son about 6 or 7. They walk in a line, all four of
them holding hands with the two children in the middle. It looks so
loving and connected.

Suddenly Daughter angrily and defiantly pulls away from the line, turns
her back on them and refuses to walk further. For a few brief moments,
Son continues walking happily between Mom and Dad, holding each of their
hands.

Then Mom and Dad stop and turn toward Daughter, trying to coax her back
into the hand-holding line, but she refuses. She is having what I call
"a silent tantrum." There is a feeling of tension in the
air. I walk past them as Mom and Dad try to coax their daughter to join
them.

A few minutes later I come upon them again. Their relationship to one
another has changed dramatically. Now Daughter rides atop Mom's
shoulders. Dad is nowhere in sight. About four feet from Mom, Son marches
woodenly forward, eyes glazed over and glued ahead, face expressionless,
trying to act is if everything is okay.

No one is happy. Even daughter. She looks defiantly and angrily toward
her older brother as if she is staking her claim to Mom and is warning
her brother to stay away.

These kinds of interactions happen frequently in families and classrooms.
A child develops a limiting behavior in an attempt to get her emotional
needs met. Then she repeats it often in many different situations because
it seems to work.

One of the biggest problems with this girl's behavior is that
she will continue to use this strategy throughout her life in all of
her interactions with others. The only way to change this is for her
to learn a more positive approach to asking for what she wants.

Parents and teachers unknowingly contribute to these limiting behavior
patterns in their child by how they react to their child's behavior.
No one wins in these situations, and the pattern continues.

What are the repetitive interactions with your child that interfere
with the harmony in your home or with your joy and peace of mind? What
are the frustrating situations that happen so frequently they feel "normal"
to you? What are the times when you lose your loving connection with
your child?

These repetitive upsetting interactions are red flags that indicate
an emotional concern for you and your child, whether they last only
moments or the entire evening. Parents often put off doing something
to improve the situation until it becomes an overwhelming crisis, and
they feel stressed to the breaking point. Then they seek support and
guidance.

Nothing is gained by putting off taking action to improve the seemingly
small difficulties with your child. Life passes by, and your child grows
up quickly. Instead of struggling with a troubling issue, take positive
action today to have more joy, love and connection with your child.
You both deserve the best life has to offer. 

Are there areas in your relationship with the children in your life where you feel powerless to change the situation? Times when "the kids" seem out of control and no matter what you’ve done to get them to change, they keep being uncooperative.

For whatever comfort this is–you are not alone. Most parents, teachers, and grandparents struggle with some aspect of their relationship with children. Children who ignore your requests to pick up their toys or to come to the dinner table on time. Children who scream when you tell them "No."

The tragic part of these stories is we adults too often persist in doing the same things over and over to solve these challenges even though our strategies don’t produce the results we want. Parents and teachers frequently tell me the same list of strategies they have tried–bribes, threats, punishment, reasoning, explaining–all of which do not create the desired long-term results.

The commonality in all of these approaches is they are intended to get the child to change her behavior. You unconsciously reason, "If only my child would act the way I want, everything would be all right." You keep hoping you can threaten, cajole, reason, bribe, or punish your child into compliance.

Many of you have heard me say this before. There is only one person whose behavior you can change, and it is your own. Yet how much time do you devote to trying to get your child to change? Or your boss or your spouse or your parents? We waste a lot of our time, energy and power trying to get others to change. If we put that same attention, power, and energy into our own change, we might actuallyget the results we want.

The good news is your child will change her behavior in response to your changed behavior. It can seem to work like magic.

Changing your own behavior can feel difficult. Doing new things requires courage, awareness, and lots of self-love. Your new behavior feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable, and you don’t know what’s going to happen when you do it consistently.

Here are a couple of suggestions to get you started:

~Determine which situations are not working for you. You’ll discover some things are more important to you than others. Pay attention to your highest priorities first.

~~Choose one thing you will do differently to improve your own behavior and choices in the situation. Focus on this new behavior daily so you can successfully follow through.

If you’re looking for some new ideas with your child, my booklet "60 Powerful Ways to Transform your Relationship with Children" will help you.

~~Observe the results in how you feel and how your child / student acts. Are you feeling better about the situation? How is your child responding?

When you use the power you have, you can create a wonderful connection with your child and have a lot of fun. Parenting becomes so much easier, and your child flourishes as an emotionally healthy person.

Recently a mom said to me, "I realize I’ve trained my daughter to
be afraid of me. Now I want to train her to trust me." Have you
ever wished you could change how your child perceives and reacts to
you? It can be painful to see the results of your actions and words
mirrored back to you in your child.

Since getting my horse Destiny, I’ve often thought about the
difference between training a horse and empowering a child. There
are similarities between these two because you’re relating with
another sentient being who perceives and remembers.

Children and horses remember how you treat them, and many of their
actions are a result of your actions toward them. When you are
gentle and patient, they respond more calmly and willingly. When
you neglect their emotional needs and act in ways that are
uncomfortable to them, they don’t trust you and feel cautious with
you, even when they do what you say.

Training is used to manage behavior in people and horses. Training
uses techniques, such as force, repetition, positive and negative
reinforcement, to elicit the desired behavior. Training is when you
have an agenda for the other, and you want them to do what you want.

Training is not something you can do with your child’s emotions.
Emotions are their own separate entity, separate from your child’s
thought-process. Emotions and perceptions of safety and
connectedness come from the inside out. The individual draws
conclusions and develops interpretations of reality based on their
unique perception of their life experience, not based on the
techniques you use.

Children, even when they are infants, perceive and make decisions
based on their own observations and experiences. You may believe or
hope that you can control their thoughts and feelings, but you
cannot.

You cannot train your child to trust you, to like you, or to feel
close and connected to you. You cannot train your child to be happy
and loving.

You may think you child needs your guidance to teach him how to be
a compassionate, successful person; but what I’ve seen is that
children are independent, autonomous, loving people who are
constantly figuring life out for themselves, regardless of what you
do or say.

Training creates obedience. Empowering your child nurtures his
ability to problem-solve, be creative and self-reliant. Empowering
your child helps her feel confident, loved, and joyous.

So what’s a parent or educator to do if your child feels insecure
or afraid of you? Focus on nurturing your child’s emotional
wholeness. Make your emotional connection together your highest
priority. Make choices from your deep love for your child. Then
you’ll feel the love and trust between you grow, and those old
behavior challenges disappear.