How to Talk with Your Child about Tragedy and Traumatic Events

What an emotionally complex time this is! The joy and numerous activities of the holidays. The tragic mass shooting and suicide in Connecticut. How to feel emotionally? Is it okay to feel love and joy when other parents are struggling with the grief of losing their child?

This is not something you can sort out intellectually. Emotions are not like that. How to be?

Be wherever you are in the moment. Sad and filled with deep appreciation for your own child when you think of the children we have lost. Filled with delight when you see the magic of the holidays in your child’s eyes.

You can choose where you want to put your attention. Suppressing or feeling guilty about your own joy when others are in grief does not help them. Reaching out to them in love and caring energetically or in some real tangible way are more uplifting to them and to you. Joining them in their sadness and staying there denies your own joy to you and to them.

Yes, it may feel hard and it is do-able. It will make you a better person and parent. How’s that for big rewards?

Guidelines for Talking with Your Child about Tragedy and Traumatic Events

Times of crisis and distress are difficult and confusing for parents and children alike. How can you best support your child during these times? Here are guidelines to help you and your child navigate the challenging waters of painful events.

1. Remember that you and your child are separate and different people, and you will each feel your own unique emotions and process them in your own way. Your child’s and your experience may be profoundly different. Be prepared for this and be open to exploring your child’s feelings and thoughts separate from your own.

2. Before interacting with your child, focus on yourself first. What are you feeling? Be deeply honest here. Sometimes writing down your emotions can help you explore and clarify what you’re feeling and how you can take care of yourself and process the tragedy. Perhaps you can share your complicated feelings and thoughts with someone you trust.

By clarifying your own emotions and thoughts for yourself first, you can be more lovingly, neutrally present for your child. One thing you do not want to do is process your own feelings with your child.

3. If your child is young (under 8 or so) and she is not aware of the tragedy, there is nothing to be gained by telling her. Young children have greater difficulty understanding and putting in perspective what has happened than older children. There is no reason to stir up stress for your child.

4. In talking with your child, the most important thing you can discuss is their feelings about the event. Be there for your child.

Most articles I’ve read recommend answering your child’s question about the Connecticut shooting. I think this can be helpful, and what you’re doing is giving your child your perspective to help him. It is ‘your’ perspective.

Much more powerful and effective is to help your child explore his feelings and ideas, how he can best find his own way through this. Your best resources are deep listening, asking questions to understand, your love and caring, your time.

In asking your child questions, give him time to think things through within himself. Allow for times of silence in the conversation and be present. You may find your child has an immediate thought. Yet with a little more time, new insights and understanding may occur to him.

Here are some suggestions for the kinds of questions your child will find helpful:

  • How do you feel about ____ (description of the event)?
  •  What do you wish would have happened?
  • What do you think you would have done in this situation?
  • Tell me more.

If your child expresses fear about her own safety:

  • What are you afraid might happen?
  • Has this ever happened before?
  • What do you want me to do? How can I help you?
  • What can you do to help you feel safe?

Of course, reassure your child based on your own experiences and be honest about your own feelings in a way that is as objective and neutral as you can. Do this after you listen to your child.

By listening to your child first, you will be able to more clearly respond to your child’s needs and feelings because you’ll understand more about what he is experiencing.

If your child asks why this happened:

  • Why do you think this happened?
  • What do you think the person who did this was feeling?
  • What could you do if you were feeling this way?

Again, your answer to this question is very appropriate here…after listening to your child.

Make it a sharing between the two of you as people with most of the sharing done by your child.

5. Observe your child to notice any changes in her behavior. If you notice anything that is troubling, be sure to bring up the subject again.

If, at the end of your conversation, your child seems happy and confident and you see no changes in behavior that indicate further stress, simply carry on with your life with no need to discuss it further. If your child continues to be trying to sort it all out, be open to continued conversations when she brings it up.

Remember, your most powerful resources in helping your child process tragic events are your love, being aware and observant of your child, your presence, focusing on yourself first, listening and asking questions.

I’d love to know how you’re feeling with this recent school shooting / bombing.. How have you resolved it for yourself? What have you experienced or discovered in talking with your child about it? Please share in Comments below.

 

What Did You Discover?

Over the weekend, I sent you an exercise to help you discover how much your child ‘wants’ to listen to you, the operative word here being ‘want.’ Have you had a chance to do it?

If you haven’t done it, I really encourage you to focus on the exercise questions I suggested for at least one evening with your child to see what you discover.

Stepping back to observe your interaction with your child will give you valuable new awareness and insights about yourself and your child. In my coaching and parenting classes, I frequently suggest parents observe a particular area of their family relationships to see what they discover. They often return with unexpected new insights.

Many parenting techniques rely on fear, rewards, and control to manage a child’s behavior and to get him to listen. Yet these approaches actually limit your child’s capability and full self-expression.

Plus, using bribes and reward dramatically harm your relationship with your child both now and in the long run. In the younger years, these strategies may appear to work and yield the results you want; however, as your child becomes a teenager, these old techniques put huge distances between you and your child.

Teens refuse to be controlled by their parents using these techniques.

Your child of any age wants a mutually honest, loving, trusting relationship with you. Without this kind of relationship with you, their desire and ability to listen diminishes.

A good way to begin to improve how much your child listens to you is with this easy, little-effort exercise. I encourage you to do it tonight!

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Here are the steps of the exercise:

1. Go about your day or evening observing the reality of your child’s desire to listen to you. Ask yourself these questions:

~ How much does my child want to listen to me?

~ What does she do that makes me feel this way?

~ What are the things I do that seem to cause her to pull back and not listen?

~ What are the things I do that seem to invite her to be closer and more connected to me and to want to listen and cooperate more?

2. Have fun observing yourself and your child.

3. Take a few moments and write your answers to the above questions.

4. Last question – What is my most important discovery or insight from observing how much my child wants to listen to me?

5. Share with me and other like-minded parents what you discover.
Share your discoveries and insights below.

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New Teleclass Next Monday! “Why Johnny Doesn’t Listen and What You Can Do About It”

An essential component of Joyous Parenting is having your child listen to you. Trying to raise and live with a child who doesn’t listen is exhausting and stressful. As a parent, you work much harder than you need to.

If you wish getting your child to listen were easier, I’d love to have you join us next Monday for this valuable class filled with practical tools you can use immediately.

If you’re busy next Monday, don’t use that as an excuse not to get this useful information that will make a profound positive difference in how your child listens to you and how much you enjoy one another.

Click here to sign-up and for more info.

Many people believe that parenting is one of the hardest jobs on the planet. It doesn’t have to be. With a few simple tools and insights and your willingness to grow as a person and a parent, parenting can be the truly joyous experience you envisioned when your child was born.

Here’s to making parenting easier and a lot more fun!

To your Joyous Family!
Connie

Why Your Child’s Self-Confidence Matters

Of course, you know your child’s self-confidence matters, but have you ever thought about how? In what ways it affects her life?

Your child’s self-confidence is foundational to all areas of his life both now and in the future. It affects his happiness and ability to succeed in life in the ways he desires.

If you have concerns about your child’s self-confidence or want to know more about nurturing her self-confidence, I invite you join us for my new information-rich teleclass: “5 Essential Secrets to Raising a Self-Confident Child” on Tuesday, March 12.

Click here to sign-up and learn more about the class.

What matters most to you about your child’s self-confidence? Pleae let me know in the Comments.

5 Qualities Your Child Needs to Be Self-Confident

Every parent wants their child to be self-confident, but what does this mean? How can you tell if your child is self-confident? What qualities does he need to have?

It may not be what you think! Academic achievement or social acceptance does not necessarily mean your child is self-confident.

Your child is skilled at learning to be the person she believes you and the other important people in her life want her to be. Then she acts as she believes she ‘should’ rather than the truth of who she is.

Here’s your opportunity to learn those essential qualities your child needs in order to be self-confident. Look below the surface to see what you discover. [Read more…]

What Can Happen When You Make Your Family a Priority

As you know, I’m passionate about the importance of making our families a priority. One of the things you may be asking yourself is, “My family is always a priority. I think about them all the time. What more do I need to do?”

Here is a story to inspire you:

Isabel Parlett and her husband Peter decided to take my first – ever Joyous Parenting Training in 2008. They had concerns and challenges with their passionate, powerful, sensitive son. Over the last 4 years and a few additional private coaching sessions later, a lot of wonderful changes have occurred.

I recently saw Isabel with her son, and they obviously share a profoundly close, trusting relationship with one another. I felt delighted to see their happiness and comfort with one another.

Yet now their son will soon be a teen with a whole new range of possible challenges and concerns before them.

Deeply committed to be the best mom she can be with her son, Isabel is always seeking new perspectives and insights in how to nurture her son’s Emotional Wholeness. While on a family vacation last August, Isabel decided to make an even deeper commitment to her family and to take action based on this decision.

A couple of days ago I asked her what, if anything, had changed or improved from this choice she made a few months ago. This is what she shared with me…

“While I am not able to knock off work every day, I do it more often than not.

Having more time for family has taken a lot of stress off of me, and is helping me feel like I’m doing a better job as a mom. I’ve been able to keep the house running more smoothly (meals planned and made, laundry done), and take on projects like helping our son research and apply to middle schools for next year.

While we aren’t perfect, our family is having more relaxed and happy time together. Instead of feeling cranky and irritated, we can hang out and enjoy each other’s company.”

I find Isabel’s story inspiring, both because of her courage and commitment to be a great mom and the power of making a few small changes in how we live our lives.

Imagine if you felt less stressed, more organized, and were enjoying more fun hang out time with your family. What difference would that make for you? For your child” For your family?

All that is required is a choice to truly make your family a priority and to find small, concrete actions you can do to make that happen.

I’ve created my ” Nurture Your Family Retreat” to help you do just that, and it’s F.REE – my new year’s gift to you! It’s this Saturday morning so you have to act now if you want to be a part of this event.

Click here now to sign up: http://www.joyousfamily.com/2013-planning-retreat/

If you’re hesitating, ask yourself, “Do I want my interactions with my child and my partner to be the same way as they are now next year in 2014? How much precious time and joyous, loving experiences will you miss if you wait?

It is so easy to settle for what is familiar even if it’s stressful and not fun, even if it’s hurting you and your child. The truth is you and your child desire and deserve more than that.

Perhaps many areas of your life are working just fine and you feel happy most of the time. But what about those difficult, complicated, emotionally painful times? What difference would it make in your life if your could improve those concerns and frustrations?

This retreat is my gift to you to help you step out of the unfun parts of your life and into the increased joyousness that is possible for you.

Treat yourself today! Go here to sign-up: http://www.joyousfamily.com/2013-planning-retreat/

The retreat begins this Saturday morning, January 19 at 11am Eastern Time. If you absolutely can’t rearrange your calendar to be on the call live, be sure to sign up anyway so you can listen to the recordings later.

Wishing you and your family a Joyous 2013!

Connie