Does Your Child Have Limiting Behaviors?

Parents and educators who come to me for coaching feel
unclear how to handle repetitive troubling behaviors and challenges
with their child. They don't know how to effectively respond to
these situations in order to best help their child. They feel confused
about how to evaluate their child's behavior. What behaviors are
warning signs of a child in trouble and what are simply part of a child
growing up?

Many troubling patterns appear to be normal child development because
we see them frequently in children of similar ages. Parents struggle
with issues and challenges that appear to be similar to those other
parents' experience. These frustrating challenges can appear to
be part of normal child development.

When you see a behavior or stressor frequently in other families or
classrooms, it does not mean it is an emotionally healthy behavior."Normal" does not mean "healthy." Because a
situation occurs frequently does not mean this behavior is emotionally
healthy or whole. It only means it occurs often because parents tend
to relate with their child in similar ways.

If nurturing your child's emotional wholeness is important to
you, it is important to be able to distinguish between "normal
behavior" and "emotionally healthy behavior."

While traveling in France, I observed a family interaction that exemplifies
the kinds of limiting patterns parents and educators frequently experience
with young people. I am walking along a trail to see the ancient Roman
bridge in southern France, the famous Pont du Gard.

A family of four walks in front of me – Mother, Father, Daughter
about 3 or 4, and Son about 6 or 7. They walk in a line, all four of
them holding hands with the two children in the middle. It looks so
loving and connected.

Suddenly Daughter angrily and defiantly pulls away from the line, turns
her back on them and refuses to walk further. For a few brief moments,
Son continues walking happily between Mom and Dad, holding each of their
hands.

Then Mom and Dad stop and turn toward Daughter, trying to coax her back
into the hand-holding line, but she refuses. She is having what I call
"a silent tantrum." There is a feeling of tension in the
air. I walk past them as Mom and Dad try to coax their daughter to join
them.

A few minutes later I come upon them again. Their relationship to one
another has changed dramatically. Now Daughter rides atop Mom's
shoulders. Dad is nowhere in sight. About four feet from Mom, Son marches
woodenly forward, eyes glazed over and glued ahead, face expressionless,
trying to act is if everything is okay.

No one is happy. Even daughter. She looks defiantly and angrily toward
her older brother as if she is staking her claim to Mom and is warning
her brother to stay away.

These kinds of interactions happen frequently in families and classrooms.
A child develops a limiting behavior in an attempt to get her emotional
needs met. Then she repeats it often in many different situations because
it seems to work.

One of the biggest problems with this girl's behavior is that
she will continue to use this strategy throughout her life in all of
her interactions with others. The only way to change this is for her
to learn a more positive approach to asking for what she wants.

Parents and teachers unknowingly contribute to these limiting behavior
patterns in their child by how they react to their child's behavior.
No one wins in these situations, and the pattern continues.

What are the repetitive interactions with your child that interfere
with the harmony in your home or with your joy and peace of mind? What
are the frustrating situations that happen so frequently they feel "normal"
to you? What are the times when you lose your loving connection with
your child?

These repetitive upsetting interactions are red flags that indicate
an emotional concern for you and your child, whether they last only
moments or the entire evening. Parents often put off doing something
to improve the situation until it becomes an overwhelming crisis, and
they feel stressed to the breaking point. Then they seek support and
guidance.

Nothing is gained by putting off taking action to improve the seemingly
small difficulties with your child. Life passes by, and your child grows
up quickly. Instead of struggling with a troubling issue, take positive
action today to have more joy, love and connection with your child.
You both deserve the best life has to offer.