Are You Secretly Hoping for a ‘Perfect’ Child?

June 7, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Becoming impatient with your child is not something you think about. It’s something that seems to happen out of nowhere when your child does something you don’t like, something that doesn’t fit your idea of how and who he should be.

Your impatience occurs because an emotion is triggered within you, and you react. You cannot think your way to controlling your temper and managing your reactivity. You have to explore, observe, and feel your way to greater inner awareness and clarity.

In my coaching with parents, I’ve discovered many parents secretly hope for a ‘perfect’ child. A child who is always cooperative and does what you say instantly, and he does it happily.

Raising a ‘perfect’ child certainly seems like it would make parenting so much easier. There would be no conflict. She would always say and do the right things. He’d easily be nice and get along with everyone. You would be such a proud parent.

Sounds a little silly, right? You want your child to be the human being he is. The perfect child would get a little boring, and you’d begin to wonder what’s going on with your child…after months of enjoying his perfection. 🙂

Joking aside, the reality is that every time you feel impatient with you’re unconsciously wishing your child were different, were more the way you believe he should be. You’re resisting the reality of who he is right now.

Of course, you have to have structure and your needs and wants matter. Right now, I’m pointing out a possible source of your frustration.

Obviously, your child is a unique, whole, separate person.

Obviously, your child is going to have her own opinion and ways of doing things.

The next time you feel resistant and annoyed with what your child is doing, see if you can pause, take a deep breath, and notice what you believe your ‘perfect’ child should do. See if you can create some space between your belief and your emotional trigger.

See if you can find a little amusement with yourself for your humanity.

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Oh, I almost forgot to tell you about my upcoming new teleclass “Keep Your Cool: How to Be More Patient with Your Child” on Monday, June 10.

If you’d like more insights about:
What triggers you emotionally with your child
How to be less reactive and more responsive to your child
How to clean up the hurt, distance, and mistrust after you speak angrily with your child

I invite you to sign-up for my teleclass today! I’ll be sharing lots more goodies and strategies with you then.

Click here to sign-up and learn more.

 

Filed Under: Children, Fun, Grandparenting, Parenting Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Impatience with Your Child is Your Invitation to Grow!

June 7, 2013 By Leave a Comment

“Your impatience with your child is your invitation to grow.” Usually parents groan and lean back in their chairs when they hear me say this. This is not the answer they were hoping for.

“Isn’t there some way I can get my child to change so I don’t become so frustrated with her?” they think. “I was hoping there is a quick technique I can use with her behavior so she’ll do what I want.”

Wonderfully for you, the answer to that question is “No. Not if you want a close, happy relationship with your child Not if you’re looking for a long-term solution and not just a short-term quick fix. Not if you want your child to blossom into her potential.”

The things your child does that annoy or irritate you are such gifts to you as a person, even though it doesn’t feel that way at the time. They are your pathway to growing as a person and becoming an even better parent.

Many of you have heard me say, “There is only one person whose behavior you can change.” — More groans.

What makes this so difficult to hear? Because it seems to be human nature to want the other person to change. Wouldn’t that be so much easier than wrestling with and figuring out your part in your un-fun interaction patterns?

When you wrestle with your own limiting beliefs and emotions, you discover new insights and understandings about yourself, your child and how to create a partnership that works for both of you.

This is one of the best gifts of being a parent – being called on by your child’s uniqueness to let go of limiting beliefs and emotions that no longer serve you. Your child’s irritating response to you and your own angry or harsh response to your child are action-stirring feedback that it’s time to look int he mirror.

When you step back and take the time to reflect, there are all kinds of possibilities of what you’ll discover. Perhaps you’ll realize:

  • You’re expecting or demanding too much of your child.
  • Your own fears or desire to be the perfect parent or to have a perfect child are getting in the way.
  • Your child is ‘running the show’ too much in your family.
  • This issue is not a battle worth fighting.
  • This list goes on…

I invite you to explore with me what your impatience is telling you and what you can do to have more harmony, ease, and fun relating with your child. This getting frustrated, angry, or hurtful with your child is so limiting for everyone both now and in the future.

I promise you it can be so much easier!

Ready to explore?

Great! My new Parenting Solutions teleclass “Keep Your Cool: How to Be More Patient with Your Child” is Monday, June 10.

Click here now to sign-up and learn more.

I invite you to put yourself in the driver’s seat of your own emotions, beliefs, and choices. Learn new ways to deal with your frustrations and stress without being negative toward your child. The price to your family is way too high.

 

Filed Under: Children, Fun, Grandparenting, Parenting, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Secret to Being More Patient with Your Child

June 11, 2012 By 2 Comments

I hope you and your family are enjoying the start of summer! My husband and I are deeply into a remodel of our home – the offices and bedroom – all of which have closets with lots of stuff. It’s expanded into a bigger project than we anticipated — doesn’t it often? — and we are making good progress and love how it is looking.

Today’s Video

Every parent gets frustrated and angry with their child from time to time, and you say or do something you later regret. What makes the difference in its impact on your child and in your relationship are how frequently you become upset and how intensely.

It’s important to remember how emotionally sensitive your child is. Yes, even your surly teen. In fact, your child is probably more aware of your up-tightness than you are. What you say and do affects your child’s self-confidence and his connection with you more deeply than you probably realize. This one is crucial!

Today’s short video gives you the most important step to being more patient with your child. Without this step, you will continually try to control and manage your anger without getting to its root causes and making the long term changes you desire.

If you have any questions, please let me know. I love hearing from you and want you and your child to love your joyous time together! Write your question in the ‘Comment’ section or send me an email.

Filed Under: Grandparenting, Loving Yourself, Parenting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Parents’ Most Common Misunderstanding

May 29, 2012 By 2 Comments

When are the times you struggle to understand why your child is acting the way she is?

When you wonder why your child repeats a behavior that you’ve frequently told him not to do?

Your child’s repetitive behavior challenges occur when you unknowingly misunderstand what matters most to your child, what she most needs from you, her mom and dad.

Watch this video and gain a deeper understanding of what makes your child tick!

Then tell me what you are you going to do to improve your relationship with your child. How do you see these behavior difficulties differently? Share your insights with other parents!

Filed Under: Children, Education, Grandparenting, Parenting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Another School Shooting…Are You Paying Attention?

March 13, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Recently in Ohio, another tragic high school shooting occurred, and the unhappy, struggling 17-year-old who did the killing will likely be tried as an adult. So many young lives cut short including the shooter’s. Everyone is in pain. An entire community feels the loss.

Prosecutors tend to demonize the perpetrators of school shootings in the mistaken belief that these are “bad” kids and that punishing this young person will prevent further shootings. The rationale is the perpetrator committed an adult act and so he must pay as an adult. But who made the gun available to him and modeled using it?

We talk about holding these young people accountable for their actions, but who is going to hold accountable his peers who rejected him, the school officials who created an emotionally painful environment and who neglected to recognize this young man’s struggle and to do something effective about it? Where was his family? Who is going to hold these people accountable for their part?

Most school professionals sincerely try to do their best for the young people in their care. Yet they are also pressured by the hierarchy above them and an educational system based on conformity, not nurturing the emotional needs of children.

Young people who commit these acts struggle painfully with confusing emotions and problems, because of which they can see no other way to resolve their distress. They feel out of control emotionally and disconnected with their family, teachers and peers.

A little known fact is that most school shooters were on anti-depressant drugs, which have a documented history of producing violent and aggressive acts. Will we ever know if T J was taking prescribed psychiatric medication?

If we are to end these violent acts, we must look through the eyes of the perpetrator, beyond punishing him, and explore and discover effective ways to prevent and heal children’s emotional pain.

Looking deeper, the young people who commit violent acts reflect the emotional distress, loneliness, and pressure all students experience in our schools, whether they are academically and socially successful or not. School is a high-pressure institution for our young people, one that isolates them from their peers, their parents and teachers and that demands they conform to the expected standards of achievement.

Even the so-called successful ones who appear to be okay on the surface feel the same things, sometimes more so because more is expected of them. Young people who commit violent acts against others and themselves are like the canary in the mine, indicators of what is happening for all.

Our Western culture values academic, professional, and financial success as our highest measure of accomplishment, even at the price of our inner happiness and peace and loving connection with the precious people in our lives.

Today, as you interact with your child, look to see how he is doing emotionally before you make demands on him.

Is she relaxed and happy?

Has he had a good day and is he sharing it with you?

Is there something else she needs right now – perhaps from you – more than to complete her homework? Does he need some down time by himself to regroup?

The opportunity to learn academic information will always be there. This moment for your child and with your child will never come again. Make it one that nurtures you both!

What are you going to do differently today? I’d love for you to share it with me and other readers by commenting below.

Filed Under: Children, Current Affairs, Education, Grandparenting, Parenting, Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,
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