Are You Telling Your Child Too Much?

June 28, 2010 By Leave a Comment

A mompreneur client of mine once shared with me this story about her 7-year-old daughter. She had just finished telling her daughter some info that she thought was important. She was trying to ‘teach’ her child an important idea to help her in life.

After she was finished, her daughter calmly looked at her and explained, “Mom, when you talk to me, all I hear is ‘blah……blah..blah…..blah..blah.”

You might think, “Wow! What a disrespectful daughter…telling her mother something like this AND not even listening!”

Her mom and I heard something different in her daughter’s communication. She told her mom her experience when her mom started ‘teaching’ her and gave her mom valuable feedback about her communication with her daughter, something every mother can use.

Shortly after this, her mom and dad signed up for my Joyous Parenting Training because they realized they needed to learn how to talk so their daughter would listen. In fact, this feedback from her daughter helped my client understand how much her words were ‘missing’ her daughter, which was the opposite of what she wanted.

Many parents believe that telling their child what he should and shouldn’t do will convince their child to do what they say. They believe their words will change their child’s behavior.

Sometimes this is true; but in reality, words seldom affect or change a child’s behavior as her parents hope it will. Often what the child hears is, “blah……blah..blah…..blah..blah.” [Read more…]

Filed Under: Children, Education, Grandparenting, Loving Yourself, Parenting, Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Best Protection from Sexual Abuse for Your Child

June 17, 2010 By 4 Comments

Yesterday I watched Oprah interview 4 convicted child molesters, 3 of whom molested a family member. I know we’ve all heard horror stories of young children’s violations and the long-term price these young people pay.

This is not one of those stories. This post is about what best protects your child from sexual abuse or any other kind of abuse by others.

I learned several interesting facts I’d like to share with you.

1. Molesters ‘groom’ their targets. They gain their trust by being nice to them then begin touching them in non-sexual ways and gradually moving on to more intimate touching. They consciously manipulate their prey.

2. All four molesters believed they were giving the young children pleasure, not pain. This came as a real shocker to me. Yet when I thought about it, I realized abusers do not have the emotional awareness and maturity to realize the emotional impact of what they are doing.

I see these men as profoundly emotionally injured and hurt little boys, trying to find love and connection in the best way they knew how. They are not bad or mean people. They are confused and hurting people and deserve our compassion. AND this does not make it acceptable in any way that they violated these young people in the ways they did.

Here is the most important information for parents to remember and act upon to best protect your child from sexual abuse:

When these emotionally-hurting men looked around for a young person to molest, they looked for a child who was struggling emotionally and in need of someone to love them. These men looked for anger and retaliation toward their parents and not feeling connected and loved by their parents. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Important Cues to Your Child’s Emotional Well-Being

October 7, 2009 By Leave a Comment

We live in a society where what
you do and say is more important than how you feel. Because of this, most
parents aren’t very aware of their own feelings, not to mention their child’s.

In fact, we don’t often know what
to do with our emotions except ‘keep a stiff upper lip’ when things get hard
and try not to let others know how you really feel. We’ve somehow come to believe that so-called
negative, uncomfortable feelings like disappointment, self-doubt, embarrassment,
fear, anger or grief shouldn’t be expressed or talked about.

Children are born without this set
of rules, and they have no hesitation or fear of letting you know exactly how
they feel. This is part of what makes parenting so confusing. How to know which
of these feelings are important and which ones indicate a potential problem in
your child’s Emotional Wholeness.

Plus, most parents don’t really
know what emotional well-being looks like. Parents usually believe if their
child is smiling, she must be happy. Yet is this really true? How many times in
a day do you put a smile on your face even when you don’t feel truly happy?

In addition, you may be missing
cues of lack of self-confidence or self-esteem or feelings of being unloved
because you believe your child’s behavior is “normal” or that it’s just a phase
he is going through.

Yet, most so-called “normal child
behavior” is not emotionally healthy, and childhood phases can last a lifetime.

So, to help you out, here are four simple cues every
parent needs to be aware of if you want to deeply understand how your child is
doing emotionally. Remember what I always say: Your child comes with a manual. Your
job is knowing the secrets of HOW TO READ THIS MANUAL and then responding
effectively to bring out the best in your child!

Please note: Each of these cues apply to your child
no matter how old he is. Also, these are just a few of the more common indicators of a child’s emotional discomfort and lack of connection with you.

Cue # 1 Your child frequently doesn’t listen and
do what you say.

This one may surprise you since it occurs so often
that most people believe it is normal child behavior. It may be ‘normal’, and
it is an indicator that something is not working emotionally for your child.
Plus, every parent who talks to me about this problem would say it’s not
working for you the parent either.


Cue # 2   You and your
child frequently argue or yell at one another and get into power struggles with
each other. Sometimes your child
hits you or is physically rough with you.

Once again this looks ‘normal’ because it is so
common, and it is a strong indicator that that your child is struggling
emotionally in some way. Your child wants to get along with you so when he acts
defiant or as if he doesn’t care, he is loudly trying to get you to pay
attention to something deeply troubling him emotionally.


Cue # 3  Your child wants lots
of your attention or is clingy to you or lacks self-motivation to make wise
choices for himself.

A child naturally yearns to become increasingly
independent and autonomous. When he can’t seem to let you go and take care of
himself, something important is not working emotionally with your child. This
applies equally to a child who is 18 months old and to a child who is 18 years
old.



Cue # 4  Your child seems ‘perfect,’ seldom
challenging you and seems highly motivated to please you and do what is
expected.
This child may
become upset when she fails to achieve a desired goal or makes a mistake.

Almost every parent wants a ‘good’ child, but being a
‘good’ child isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. If you have a ‘good’ child who
seldom challenges you or disobeys you, she is hurting emotionally as much, if
not more, than the child who is defiant and uncooperative.

If you recognize any of these behaviors in your
child, she is telling you something is wrong emotionally. Trying to resolve this problem by getting your child
to change her behavior may change the behavior, but it won’t solve the
emotional cause of the problem, which is the most important part.

By learning how to read the emotional ‘manual your
child came with,’ you’ll create an emotionally healthy, empowering relationship
that nurtures and empowers you and your child. You’ll not only see your child’s behavior improve.
Being a parent will consistently become more joyous and easy for you, and
you’ll cherish the moments with your child.

Filed Under: Children, Parenting Tagged With: , , , , ,
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