School is a High-Pressure Activity for Children

Children are natural learners as witnessed by their amazing ability to learn to walk, talk, reason, figure things out, imagine new realities – all by the age of 3 and without the benefit of a ‘credentialed teacher.’ Children are naturally curious and are hard-wired to learn and to want to learn.

Yet research shows that by 3rd grade most children have lost their love of learning, their innate drive to learn. Why is this? What happens in school that makes it limiting of chilldren’s natural desires and abilities?

Schools get a lot of criticism these days, mostly because students are not learning so we’re placing more pressure on schools to produce academically. Schools feel the need to teach to the test, everyone working toward the seemingly all-important test scores.

Yet I believe that the biggest determiner of a child’s ability to learn and ultimately succeed in life is their Emotional Wholeness, their emotional well-being, their confidence, connection with themselves and others, and their love of learning, not their grades or test scores.

Schools place demands, expectations and challenging situations on children, which take them away from their natural abilities to learn. I’m concerned that many of the ‘high expectations’ can actually be a deterrent to a child’s happiness and ability and desire to learn.

The other day I started thinking about all the ways that children feel pressure by participation in school. Here are the ones I’ve thought of so far and not in any particular order. Please add your own to this list.

Important Note: I am not saying these apply to all schools. There are many innovative, child-centered programs. Still, I believe all of the following are cause for concern.

~ Dealing with lots of people and social interaction within a relatively small space, aka ‘crowding’

~ Have to sit in desks, uninteresting circle times for often long periods of time – even if you love to move, need to move to learn and be happy.

~ Pressure to conform and fit in with her peers so it is difficult to be himself

~ Expectations to learn information up to specified standard within a given time frame, whether it is interesting to you or not, whether it is easy or difficult

~ Expectations to master skills and information even when not developmentally ready

~ Pressure to earn high grades from teachers and fellow students [Read more…]

Grades Aren’t Everything!

I was talking with a therapist friend and colleague recently. She shared with me how much busier she is now that school has started. Children and parents are both feeling the increased pressure and stress of a school schedule  and all its responsibilities.

We lamented how hurtful and high-pressure school is for children of all ages. She shared with me that even young people whom she counseled during the summer show increased signs of stress and anxiety.

Pressure, stress and worry are simply not good for your child. No matter what the motivation behind it. This includes all children, whether your child is the A student or the one who is struggling to get a passing grade.

Schools are mandated to help your child learn, to teach her the information and skills she needs to succeed in our society. The No Child Left Behind Act places dramatically more pressure on teachers and schools to reach specific academic standards. This pressure is  passed on to your child.

Children are being forced to grow up too quickly. They need play time, down time, time to listen and connect with themselves. David Elkind talks about this in all of his books, including The Hurried Child.

You most likely agree with this. So what can you do? [Read more…]

How Far Do You Trust Your Child?

Today 14-year-old Laura Dekker of the Netherlands set sail from Portugal in her yacht Guppy with a goal of being the youngest person to sail around the world SOLO.

16-year-old Austrailian Jesse Watson completed her journey today in Sydney just as Dekkar set out.

Most everyone has an opinion. What are her parents thinking? What a brave girl! I hope she makes it.

Some “experts” say Jesse Watson actually didn’t sail enough nautical miles to be technically considered as circumnavigating the world. Others claim she didn’t really do it solo because she had to dock for repairs and have others help her. This is pettyness speaking.

In the midst of all the controversy, I think we’re missing the most important issues.

These young women demonstrate profound trust and confidence in themselves and in their skill to accomplish such an amazing goal. Both they and their parents show extraordinary courage.

To most of us, no matter our age, the idea of sailing solo around the world seems daunting, if not down right impossible. Most of us would be too fearful and filled with self-doubt to consider such an adventure, even if we did know how to sail.

Their moms and dads have to have gut-wrenching trust in their daughters’ abilities and resourcefulness. I’m sure they cringe inside and pray for their daugher’s safety continuously. Yet you have to give them and their daughters credit.

Why can’t we be amazed and inspired by their actions and then choose to allow our children and ourselves to take more risks?

The second important issue is that we dramatically under-estimate what our children are capable of. When we let our fears and inability to allow our children to try the seemingly impossible, we limit them not only in the moment but also for a life-time. [Read more…]

A Mother’s Success with Her Daughter’s Tantrums

I’ve been telling you that tantrums and emotional upsets with your child of any age can be resolved, and they are not a normal or necessary part of childhood.

I want to share a quick story about a mom whom I’ll call Mary, mother of two girls one a young teen and the other 6, to share with you what’s possible.

Mary and her husband struggled with their younger daughter’s frequent ‘screaming fits,’ which they reported, “could last for hours.” In addition, these emotional upsets occurred several times every day, whenever they had to tell their daughter, “No.”

As you can imagine, this affected the entire family on a daily, constant basis. Everyone, including the older daughter, tiptoed around this young girl, afraid of setting her off. They saw her as fragile and tried to keep her happy.

Mary was exhausted and distracted by the attention and time she gave to her youngest daughter, feeling she was neglecting her older daughter, and having frequent fights with her husband about their daughter’s tantrums.

Then there were the times she was at the end of her rope, when she became an angry, yelling, upset, out-of-control mom, which she always regretted afterward.

Her young daughter was creating chaos for everyone, and she knew she had to do something.

She came to me for coaching, clear that, “My girls need a better mom.”

After getting some coaching, Mary learned how to calmly and consistently respond to her daughter’s tantrums, to not be afraid or overwhelmed by them. Things began to change immediately. [Read more…]

Are You Telling Your Child Too Much?

A mompreneur client of mine once shared with me this story about her 7-year-old daughter. She had just finished telling her daughter some info that she thought was important. She was trying to ‘teach’ her child an important idea to help her in life.

After she was finished, her daughter calmly looked at her and explained, “Mom, when you talk to me, all I hear is ‘blah……blah..blah…..blah..blah.”

You might think, “Wow! What a disrespectful daughter…telling her mother something like this AND not even listening!”

Her mom and I heard something different in her daughter’s communication. She told her mom her experience when her mom started ‘teaching’ her and gave her mom valuable feedback about her communication with her daughter, something every mother can use.

Shortly after this, her mom and dad signed up for my Joyous Parenting Training because they realized they needed to learn how to talk so their daughter would listen. In fact, this feedback from her daughter helped my client understand how much her words were ‘missing’ her daughter, which was the opposite of what she wanted.

Many parents believe that telling their child what he should and shouldn’t do will convince their child to do what they say. They believe their words will change their child’s behavior.

Sometimes this is true; but in reality, words seldom affect or change a child’s behavior as her parents hope it will. Often what the child hears is, “blah……blah..blah…..blah..blah.” [Read more…]